#peen I need to know your answers now please

[miange1]

donnie darko slightly pushing male reader into having their first time together?!? manipulating him until he craves it just as bad as him now

DONNIE DARKO

male reader, bottom reader, reader isn't a virgin he just hasn't had peen up his booty, manipulation, say gex, sum like that, nervousness, donnie doesn't know what he's doing either, anal sex, rough but soft, linkin park is so yummy, donnie is addicted to sex, persuading with actions rather than words, donnie does NOT know how to fuck but figures it out later

he was nervous, fidgeting the whole day and glancing at you much more often. he felt some sort of weight on his shoulders, he just needed to get it off and if he never told you what was the matter it would never happen would it?

"donnie." you looked over at him, your finger pressing at the TV remote to turn it down. "hm." he looked over at you, eyes roaming over your body by instinct. "don't 'hm' me. you've been creeping the shit outta me all day? you alright?"

he opened his mouth to say yes, but then closed it up again, changing his mind. he got closer to you, bed dipping in the area near you and his hand resting on your leg.

"you ever..fuck before?" you giggled a bit, mostly confused but amused as well. "yeah? of course ive–" he cut you off, "no, i mean." he moved himself closer towards you,

"have you been fucked before, like by another guy?" your heart started to speed up, your body tensing and it felt like it was getting hotter.

"..no?" donnies hands went to your legs, moving towards your thighs and squeezing them a bit. "do you want to?" he was expecting a yes, but he frowned seeing your head shake and your legs move towards your chest.

"donnie," your eyes looked like they were pitying him, looking at him as if he was in the wrong. but he wasn't? "why? why don't you want to— we're together so we have to!" his mind worked differently, and you knew that. he always wanted to get to the 'good stuff', and as messed up as it sounded he still loved you.

"please, i promise.." he went close to you again, hands pulling your ankles and spreading your legs. "it'll feel really good," he's never fucked another guy before, and most likely has never had sex before but he just needed to persuade you somehow.

"donnie, no. my answer is no." your words cut off with your own giggle as he kissed at your face multiple times, making you tell him that it tickled a bit.

then his lips would go lower, slowing his pace down as he kissed at your neck and making them more open mouthed to leave a mark.

"hey..hey, donnie—" you squirmed, hands to his chest to push him away but you just ended up gripping his shirt and wanting more "hm." his fingers went up your shirt, grazing your nipples having your body arch into his touch and whimper into his ear.

"stop..donnie," his pointer and middle finger squeezed the bud, your legs tightened around his hips as he did so. "can't..i can't.." he sounded just as desperate as you, moving his hands back down to your shirt to take it off and toss it some other place.

he let his body get on top of you more, your body sliding down all the way underneath him. he looked at you for a moment, taking it all in. this was really happening

his pace was slow at first, it hurt to him too because he didn't really know he had to use some sort of lubrication. as he had gotten used to it, he completely forgot to think about you.

he was thinking about you, but also wasn't.

"donnie..donnie— donnie!" he could hear you calling out his name, saw your fingers grip at the sheets for dear life as if you were gonna fall off the bed even though he had you by your waist.

"slow...down, oh god it hurts.." but it felt so good, the tears that went down your cheeks were tears of pleasure and your hole would twitch and clench around him and each time he felt it he just couldn't help but go faster and harder.

the headboard hit against the wall, and you prayed that no one was home to hear this because nothing was silent especially you. "feels so good..do you feel good? tell me it feels good." your head nodded, burrying yourself into the pillow cover.

"so good..donnie, don't stop." your words were becoming slurred, turning into mindless jumbles and moans. for a guy who's probably never even fucked a girl, shit he was real good.

it had you wondering how many times he must have thought of what he wanted to do to you.

"don't stop?" your pupils moved to the side, giving donnie a look. "okay.." he flipped you over back onto your back, wiping his forehead from the sweat that dripped.

"i won't stop, i promise." oh, of course he'd take that shit literally.

[melodygatesauthor]

Feeling You Can't Fight - Chapter Three

Not Beta Read - Masterlist - Pride Event Fic 🏳️‍🌈

Written for the @flightlessangelwings pride event - (Yes this was written for the 2023 pride event and I'm trying to finish it before pride 2024 I'M SORRY).

Summary (Entire Fic Summary)

After replacing the loathsome former staff manager of the National Art Gallery in London, you find yourself all too interested in one of your employees in particular. Manager and employee relationships aren't allowed, and even if they were, you aren't sure if the nervous gift shoppist would be interested in you anyway. There's only one way to find out...

Reader Inclusivity

Reader is not race coded, is a cis man, taller than MK by a few inches, British, ex military, has a big peen

Tags/Warnings (for entire series)

NSFW, writer is NOT from the UK so please be gentle, I did my best with UK terms and such, smut, anal sex, oral sex, anal creampies, cum eating, cum swallowing, rough sex, Marc has DID, reader has mild PTSD, PTSD symptoms, trauma responses, semi-public sex, praise kink, fluff, comfort, angst, romance, love, forbidden relationship (boss and employee), minor physical violence.

Word Count: 3.1k

“Wait love wait!”

The entire demeanor of the man in front of you changed into the sweet, caring man that you were smitten with. You let go of him, stepping back and looking down at him with a furrowed brow. You felt your heart racing as your fight or flight kicked in. Steven looked nervous as he stepped forward, pressing his palm to your broad chest.

“D-darling I…well…we have something we want to share with you and I thought that if we’re getting more serious then…no time like the present yeah?”

“Steven…what’s going on?” You were trying not to express your irritation with him, but your balled fists gave you away.

“M’gonna let Marc tell you everything but you have to promise not to hurt him, yeah?” Steven looked up at you, brows turned up and knitted together as he awaited your answer.

He gulped, rubbing your clothed pecks with his hand, smoothing out the wrinkles in your button-down. He tried smiling at you, biting his bottom lip. You didn’t like making Steven so frightened so you let out a deep exhale. If he wasn’t scared or in danger, then you didn’t need to be so on edge. You nodded slowly.

Steven let out a deep breath, “right then, gonna let him out now.”

You watched in awe as Steven’s eyes rolled back in his head and then his body changed again. He stood a little taller, and his expression appeared a little darker. The man breathed deeply, looking up at you before pulling his hand off your body as though he’d been burned. He averted his gaze. You could’ve sworn you saw his cheeks get a little more rosy.

“What the fuck is happenin’?” You asked in a serious tone.

“Look, I told Steven you weren’t ready for this conversation but he insisted we have it so…here we are. He said it was gettin’ serious with you and he didn’t want any more secrets between you two,” he cleared his throat nervously, “my name is Marc Spector.” The man shrugged, “I guess the easiest way to tell you is to just get it out there so…I have an identity disorder as a result of my childhood trauma.”

You both stood silently for a moment while you absorbed the information. You recalled your time in the British Armed Forces, and some of the horrific things you’d seen. Trauma caused the brain to do amazing things; Things that were difficult to explain sometimes. You understood trauma well. You looked at Marc’s face, seeing the seriousness behind his eyes. This wasn’t a game. This wasn’t some guy trying to mess with you, or pull a fast one on you. This was a man who had been through something horrible, or several horrible things, and it caused his mind to tear at the seams.

You nodded in understanding, “alright, yeah, I don’t know everything there is to know about identity disorders but, I’ve got some mental issues of my own mate, keep goin’.”

Marc nodded and exhaled in relief, “well, my…our mom…”

You put a hand on Marc’s shoulder, “s’fine, you don’t have to explain it t’me.”

“I…Steven, wants me to, he wants you to know, and he’s right…I need to be the one to tell you, because I’m the one who was there.” He looked away from you and at the floor, “our mom used to beat me, she hated me.”

You squeezed Marc’s shoulder gently. His head jolted up, glossed eyes meeting with yours. He shook his head, as though he were begging you not to make him continue.

“I meant what I said, and I’m talkin’ to Steven too…you don’t have to explain this t’me. I understand.”

“Fuck,” Marc said, turning away from you and covering his face in his hands.

I was awkward as hell to stand there while Marc cried, but you were glad he was getting it off his chest. You wondered if he’d ever shared this with anyone, or if it was only you. Either way, you knew he wasn’t sharing for his own sake, but instead for Steven’s, and you could respect that. When you look back now, you think that on the same day you met Marc, was the day you fell in love with him too, but you didn’t realize it yet.

“There’s another one too,” Marc looked at the water glass on the table.“Steven, I have to tell him.” You watched the - from your perspective - one sided conversation between Marc and Steven. “You didn’t want to keep this a secret but you want to keep him a secret? St–” Marc grumbled and then looked at you, “I’m telling you, even though Steven doesn’t want me to.”

“Tellin’ me what?”

“Jake is the third one of us. You may never meet him, but he’s here nonetheless,” Marc let out a sharp exhale, “We don’t really see him much either, but…the three of us get along…kinda.”

“Well, if he’s part of Steven’s life, then I look forward to meeting him,” you gave Marc a kind smirk.

You watched Marc’s entire body language change. It wasn’t like before when he switched from Steven to himself, but instead, it looked like his entire body relaxed with your reassurance. Marc looked like he might collapse and start crying again right then and there. You wondered when the last time he’d talked to someone about this was…if he’d ever talked to someone about this.

“Damn. That was…easier than I thought. You took that surprisingly well,” he said, giving you a tight lipped smirk.

“Had a boatload of therapy,” you shrugged, “I learnt long ago that you can’t really tell how the mind is gonna deal with trauma.” You thought now was as good a time as any to change the subject, seeing that Marc was getting uncomfortable again. “So are you…do you like…” you pointed to yourself. Of course you would hop from one uncomfortable topic to another.

Marc’s eyes shot wide once he realized what you were suggesting, “no, no, I like women, one hundred percent.”

Marc crossed his arms and cleared his throat nervously.

“But this, Steven and me, that doesn’t bother you?” You asked.

“Oh, oh, no. Steven’s happy, and the way I see it, that’s the only thing that matters,” Marc’s lips managed to curl into a smirk.

You could tell he cared about Steven, and so the two of you had that much in common, but that wasn’t the last time you saw Marc. You saw him again when you and Steven got into your first argument. It wasn’t anything serious, but it seemed to upset Steven enough to force him into the headspace.

The argument was stupid, and if you were being honest, it was a little funny. Steven walked into your office one afternoon, closing the door behind himself. He was stammering, as he often did when he was thinking about what he wanted to say faster than the words could come out. You chuckled, standing up and walking over to him, cupping his face.

“S’alright love, just tell me what’s wrong,” you brushed your thumb over his stubbled cheek.

“Gettin’ fed up with Linda not pickin’ up her mess in the break room,” Steven groaned, “I know s’not a big deal, not really, but I told her three times to pick up after herself and she still acts like a right slob.”

“Steven, that’s not really somethin’ I deal with,” you said as he huffed out a frustrated breath.

“I know, sometimes I just want to complain a bit, yeah?”

“C’mere,” you said, motioning with your finger.

He walked back over to you and pressed his face into your chest, “I’m irritated.”

You wrapped your arms around him, “I know darling,” you pushed him back at arm’s length, but I know something that might help.”

Steven had joked about wanting to blow you under your desk, but he’d never actually done it yet. In fact, he hadn’t blown you before at all. He acted like you were doing him a favor when you sat down in your big office chair with your legs spread out and his face between them. The way his eyes went wide with excitement and he started drooling you would’ve thought he was the one getting a blowjob.

He looked hungry, fumbling with the button and then the zipper of your pants as he released your cock from its confines. He always - always - made a comment about how big you were. His eyes crossed as your dick lined up between them, and he seemed breathless despite not yet having done anything at all.

“Steven, darling, might be too big f’you to fit in your mouth, it’s alright if you don’t want to.”

He looked up at you, putting a hand on either of your thighs.

“I want to,” he said softly.

Steven licked a stripe up your length, forcing your cock to twitch in response. You grabbed the arms of your chair as he repeated the gesture. You bucked your hips upward involuntarily. Steven giggled and looked up at you.

“Ooh, needy…” He wrapped his fingers around your girth, pumping up and down slowly, “you’re a bit leaky too love.”

“Are you gonna keep teasin’ me, or are you gonna be a good boy and take this thing like you were made to?” You asked, raising an eyebrow.

Steven nodded with a shaky breath, smile fading at your words. You felt bad being so verbally rough with him sometimes, but you knew he enjoyed it. Whenever the two of you were in bed together it was like flipping a switch, making him hard in an instant. You slid down further in your chair, moving one of your hands to the back of his curly head.

He licked up your length again before taking the head in his mouth. You shuddered seeing Steven’s lips stretched around your fat dick. It seemed like he really was made to take it, sliding over the length as though his gag reflex was nonexistent. You exhaled sharply, feeling the way his tongue rolled over the underside of your shaft.

“Oh god Steven, takin’ me so well love, that’s it, just like t-that,” you pushed him down over you even more, “you tap my knee if it’s too much darling, don’t wanna hurt you.”

You felt his throat contract around you. There was still more to go, and you wanted nothing more than to see your entire dick disappear inside his precious mouth. You brushed a thumb over his cheek.

“Relax your throat, Steven, open up f’me,” you felt his muscles relax and you were able to push in further. “That’s it, that’s my good boy.”

Steven moaned over your length as he started bobbing his head in a delicious rhythm. He took one hand off your thighs and you heard the clank of his belt while he started freeing his own cock. The sound of him jerking himself could just barely be heard over the sound of him choking on your dick.

He looked up at you with affectionate and tear glossed eyes when you carded your hand through his hair. You bit your bottom lip and started rolling your hips slowly forward into his mouth, brushing your pubes against his nose as he took every single inch you had to offer.

“Steven, you sure you’ve never done this before?” Your entire body trembled, “s-so good…”

You heard the distinct sound of footsteps approaching the door. You both froze.

“Steven, you locked the door, yeah?”

Steven, in fact, hadn’t locked the door.

Steven made himself as hidden as he could in the space under your desk, where the intruder wouldn’t be able to see him. You rolled up as close as you could get without crushing him in there. John, your boss, walked in, smiling big. He stepped over, putting a hand on the varnished surface of the desk, leaning in to talk to you.

“Hey! Just stoppin’ in to tell you I think you’re doin’ great, and those reports you sent me yesterday…perfect.” He patted your shoulder and you jumped in response.

You felt Steven between your legs trying to put your cock back in your pants, but struggling given its current…state. You were close before while he had it buried in his throat, and that hadn’t changed in the seconds that had gone by. You were still close, and him moving it around wasn’t helping that issue. You kept your eyes on John, but tried like hell to push Steven’s hands and face away from you, but to no avail.

“Well I’m…oh…” you cleared your throat, “I’m glad you l-liked them.”

Steven didn’t get the hint, he was still sliding his hand over your length, trying to get it back inside your boxers. You couldn’t try very hard to stop him, or it would be obvious you were trying to do something under your desk, so you stopped trying, and just hoped that John would leave before…oh god.

You slammed your hand on the desk, “f-fuck!”

To John, you must’ve looked insane, like you were staring at him wide-eyed and shouting for no apparent reason. To you and Steven, you were coming, hot ropes of your spend hitting your boyfriend in the face under the desk. You managed to keep yourself from saying anything too telling, and you kept your breathing level…as level as you could.

“Fuck I forgot to sign the agreement for the…the uhhh–”

“Oh! For the new display going into the Ancient Egypt section of course! I’ll go get that right now!” John chuckled, “glad you remembered that, I’ll be right back.”

As he walked out, you rolled back in your chair to see Steven’s pretty face covered in globs of your spend. He looked pissed off, crawling out from under the desk and grabbing a few tissues from your desk to clean himself off.

“Darling, what’s wrong? You’re the one who–”

“You…did this…all over my face!”

“Love, I couldn’t help it, you kept touchin’ me and–”

“And,” he held a finger up, “and you could’ve locked the door before havin’ me do that in the first place!”

“Steven, you could’ve locked the door yourself when you walked–”

“I wasn’t plannin’ to come in here and do somethin’ like that now was I?”

You could see the embarrassment in his flush cheeks. He seemed exasperated, chest rising and falling with every heavy breath. He wasn’t really mad at you, but you doubted you’d be getting another ‘under the desk’ blow job any time soon.

“Now your boss knows what we were doin’ and he’s gonna make you fire me and maybe he’ll even fire you and–”

“Stop…” you cupped his cheeks and kissed his forehead.

“No!” he pushed you off of him, “no, m’not gonna let you just kiss this one away. We could’ve been caught, you’re reckless and this isn’t like me at all! I don’t do things like this!” Steven stormed out of your office, passing John on his way out.

That was it…that was the argument.

You supposed that with Steven never having really been in a relationship before, an argument with his first ever significant other could be upsetting, despite it being such a silly thing to argue over. Taking that into consideration, you decided to tread lightly when you got home, toeing off your shoes in the entryway of his flat when you arrived almost silently. That’s when you noticed that Marc was there, not Steven.

“Hey,” he said, tipping back the beer in his hand and then holding it up, “want one?”

You shook your head, “no thanks.”

It was like Steven had a roommate. At least…that’s how it felt. Marc was the more stern one, like he was the polar opposite of Steven, but you didn’t mind. You liked the company regardless. Marc was a good guy, you could just tell. After a couple of minutes talking about the weather, the two of you managed to get into something more serious. 

“You said you’ve been to therapy? Mind if I ask what for?” Marc took another swig of his beer.

“Uh, PTSD, spent a few years in the British Armed Forces and then got myself honorably discharged after…” you sniffed out a laugh, “maybe I will take that drink after all.”

After a few drinks, you and Marc were trading war stories and with it, your tales of trauma. You wondered how long it was going to take him to open up to you about why and how Steven came to be, but there Marc was, letting down his always stoic demeanor in order to open himself up to you.

He cried, and you opened your arms to him.

“No, no I told you I’m not…that’s not my thing…”

You laughed, “s’not a ‘thing’ to hug someone when they’re sad, Marc. C’mere…”

You tugged his jacket and pulled his rigid frame into your arms, wrapping them around him tightly. At first he was stiff, still mumbling some protests, but then you felt him exhale, like his entire body were a balloon being emptied of the air inside of it. That’s when the heavier sobs came, tears spilling out of his eyes and onto your forearm.

“Steven is so good, and sometimes I think it would just be best if I don’t ever come out. Sometimes I think that the world would be a better place without me in it,” he said between heavy cries. He looked up at you, “Steven could be happy, and be with you all the time and–”

“Steven would miss you, Marc,” you looked into his eyes, seeing the pain he felt just made you want to hold him closer, but you knew that would only make it more awkward.

You didn’t have to worry about feeling awkward though, because he leaned up and slotted his lips over yours all on his own. You pulled back in surprise, wondering if he did that by mistake or not, or if Steven had decided to come back when you didn’ notice.

“S-Steven?” You asked, looking between his eyes rapidly.

He shook his head, “no, still me,” he said breathlessly, looking down at your mouth before pulling you in again.

You smiled against his lips, “how unexpected.”

Moon Knight Masterlist

Main Masterlist

[ryuichirou]

Replies

A couple of replies about the Vil drawing from yesterday + a long-ass reply with me musing about tops and bottoms in my yuri drawings 🤔

Anonymous asked:

Sorry Vil please forgive me but I'm in love with the Savanaclaw background students

Aww, Anon, aim higher..! Although after Vil trains them to be good boys, they might behave better. Unless that defeats the entire purpose for you, of course. 👀

Anonymous asked:

Vil and the beastmen was a Canon event, sou I wouldn't be shocked if they actually were carrying him around like that

Honestly if I wasn’t in love with Vil’s groovy for this event, I would’ve been sad that we didn’t get these boys carrying Vil around like that as a card illustration lol It feels right!

ghostvoid18 asked:

how do you perceive/like men topping men vs women topping women in your ships? i’m curious bc in your bl art the tops don’t go down on the bottoms but in the gl art (on the 🔑 account) they do 👀

This is such a good question, and I wish I had a definitive answer for you… With ladies it’s a bit more complicated than with boys for us; I’ll share my thoughts. 🤔 I hope it makes at least some sense.

I guess our main thing is that we want the bottom of the ship to get stimulated and dominated, and with m/m ships it also ties very deeply with penetration in our minds; this is why it’s so straightforward and uhh uncompromising. Technically, a top could still suck a bottom off, there is absolutely nothing that indicates that this could never be the case in general, but to us personally this is already a shift in their dynamic that we don’t really like most of the times. So if a top!boy goes down on a bottom!boy, even if he does give some stimulation to his penis, he’s mostly going to focus on his butt lol this is why we have a bunch of ass-eaters among those pervs.

I guess it really is all about penetration for the guys: bottom!boy’s peen doesn’t get much stimulation in general in our stuff, unless it’s something kinky (like stepping on it, slapping it, stimulating the urethra, maybe just bullying in general, etc).

With girls, however, I don’t focus on penetration nearly as much, in fact, I only recently started to draw girlies fingering each other lol There are a lot of sketches like this that I draw now, but this still isn’t a necessary part of w/w smut for us. I mentioned at some point that I don’t really like strap-ons and stuff, and this is still kind of true. Fem!Azul’s tentacles are a whole different topic though ehehehe-

So if you eliminate all nuance and boil it down to its most basic form, my main goal is to bully the bottom girl until she cums make the bottom!girl cum, and any means to achieve that are great lol So in my head, when I think about someone eating someone else out, I mainly picture a bottom!girl getting embarrassed, stimulated and honestly dominated.

Does that mean that a top!girl can’t force a bottom!girl to lick her down there, or that a bottom!girl can’t be a bit bossy and demand getting pleasured? Not really, because there is always nuance, so it could be different and I would look at it on a case by case basis. I feel like with yuri there is more nuance and fluidity in general, which sounds unfair, but it’s simply because the interactions and stimulations that are available for them are different, and have different implications too. Once again: despite the fact that I don’t think that penetration is necessary and don’t really like it in yuri smut, half of my recent yuri sketches have some forms of penetration in it lol 

You know what, I think the easiest way to describe it would be to say that we just prefer bottom!girls to receive the pleasure and be “the center” of what is going on.

The top!girl has all of her fun while playing with her and enjoying her reactions, so the idea of a top!girl pleasuring her lover with her tongue and maybe even penetrating her with it comes naturally to my mind – it feels like an act of domination somehow.

And bottom!boys just need to get fucked out of their minds lol

Once again, those are just my thoughts, and those thoughts are related only to the stuff that I draw and we discuss.

TL;DR: Bottom!girl both receives pleasure and gets dominated (even if she has some control like Malleus or Vil), and when it comes to which exact sexual practices they use, there is a lot of nuance. We prefer for the top!girl to eat the bottom!girl’s pussy though. Hope that explains it.

Thank you for your question!

Anonymous asked:

I was really hoping for more of the twisted wonderland women... Hope to see them soon!

Be patient, Anon, please don’t rush things :) It’s going to happen. I appreciate the enthusiasm and I enjoy it when people show it and I know they only mean well (obviously), but if starts feeling pushy, it would end in the opposite result for us. We have a queue of sketches/artworks to post, so we get there when we get there.

[sweet-symphony0]

Twin Tuesday:

So - Our little fandom is always celebrating Rami and his friends.

If Sami was a celebrity, who do you think would be his go-to social circle? Who would be his friends? (I have my own thoughts on this and.l curious to see where you land. Most likely, you’ll read my mind).

Oooh, this is interesting.

I’m…I’m going to have to think about this one. I think it depends what type of celebrity Sami is and what circles he moves in through that. If we’re just saying celebrity, he might not necessarily be an actor.

Like if he’s a playwright, keeping in with the English theme here, I could see him being friends with Aaron Sorkin, you know? Producers on Broadway, other authors he’s a fan of, possibly Stephen King, I could see them getting along. Because he’s a playwright, he could move into screenwriting, into the plethora of writers in Hollywood, and for that reason I could see him being great friends with Taika Waititi.

However, I know you’re just talking generally, so I’m going off the assumption that you mean celebrity actor. That being said, I’m still saying Taika. They’d be a riot together.

Other names that come to mind are Emma Stone, Julia Roberts, Aaron Paul, Bradley Cooper, Taraji P. Henson, still Margot Robbie, Mahershala Ali, and you know what? Probably Sam Esmail too. I’m convinced they would meet somehow.

[nlights37]

three stars ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

::In very convincing Matthew McConaughey Texan:: Alright alright alright, 3 stars, 3 fics to disclose little nuggets of info on...

1.  From Fixer Upper, Chapter 4 - Jon and Dany’s text exhange:

She was laughing even as she sent the text, knowing how touchy he was about this topic. Honestly, it was the whole reason she sent it.

Dany: I can’t believe we’ve been fake dating this long and you haven’t sent me a single dick pic 😖

The text bubble appeared for so long she was a little worried, but then his novel-length answer appeared. She was two lines in before she was laughing so hard she was crying and her vision blurred beyond her ability to continue reading at all.

Jon: How ABSOLUTELY DARE YOU?! Apparently I need to explain this AGAIN? If the Westerosi Security Agency is going to see my dick they can come here and do it in person like men. I’m not just gonna offer it up on a silver platter for them. Also need I remind you I am a small business owner, madam? This store is my kingdom and you ask me to besmirch it’s good name so you can see my cock at 2 pm on a Thursday? I’m disappointed in you Daenerys, I really am.

It should probably come as no surprise, given the ‘Buttslut’ text I shared awhile back, that a lot of the dialogue I write (including text messages) comes from the way my husband and I talk to each other, and in this case I based Jon’s reluctance to free the Peen digitally off my own husband’s unbreakable stance that sending dick pics means your dick is then somewhere in the cloud and idk I guess he thinks the Governtment is just chilling and collecting nudes all day.  Anyway, I really did ask him once when we were dating why he had never sent me a dick pic and he said something along the lines of Jon’s response here, and even now, years later, it still makes me laugh, so I used it :)

2.  A Thin Line (Just some thoughts on this fic in general, that I’m not sure I’ve shared):

I was SURE, ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that a lot of people would hate this fic.  Like, I was over the top about ‘Hey this is crack’, etc, because as much fun as I had making them just awful people to each other, I was like ‘ugh there’s gonna be some stans in both camps that maybe get pissed about this’, but I figured fuck it, let’s do it.  The thing about them in this fic that I really, really enjoyed writing was that they are completely and totally unapologetic about themselves, and letting myself just really let them be the worst versions of themselves, I don’t know, guys.  It felt good.  So good that I was like ‘hmmmm, maybe keep it in the drafts.’

Because that’s the thing I like best about them and this fic - it’s not a redemption story about two tortured souls who find each other and then learn the error of their ways.  It’s more like two villains meet at villain convention and will they birth the antichrist?  Who knows, really, but probably, yes.  Definitely.

Anyway, I really dug that so many people enjoyed their unspeakably assholish tendencies and please know I haven’t abandoned my part 3, in which Dany gets to snob it up in the North and you know, so more light bondage, maybe some matching prenups, I don’t want to give it all away.

3.  From Fang and Claw, Chapter 1:

“When you say fucking,” Drogon drawled, “what exactly do you mean, snack?”  The three were all gathered near the stone walls of the Keep, guards watching anxiously as the three creatures of legend circled and paced.

“Stop calling him that.”  Rhaegal leaned in, nipping at Drogon’s swishing black tail.  “He has a name.”

Drogon rolled his eyes, looking at his brother incredulously.  “I’ll call him whatever I like.  What’s he going to do?  Howl me to death?”

Rhaegal glared, inching closer to Ghost.  “He’s magic, like us, and he’s Jon’s, so you’d better behave.”  The green dragon growled.  “You know what mother said.”

The black dragon gave a dismissive snort, his eyes searching the windows of the Keep instead of Rhaegal or Ghost.  “Be nice.  Yes, I heard her.  This is me.  Being nice.  Not eating this talking little snack.”  His eyes shot to the wolf’s.  “Rather nice of me, isn’t it,” teeth gnashed together, grinding as Drogon uttered grudgingly, “Ghost.”

The white wolf ignored the black dragon, his eyes also falling to the windows.  “You want to know what fucking is or don’t you?”

“I want to know what it is you mean when you say Jon is fucking my mother, yes.”  Drogon sounded angry, offended even, and Ghost was surprised two mighty creatures could be so absolutely innocent to the ways of the world.  Why, he’d been fucking for years now.  Surely there were girl dragons flying about somewhere, though the lack of fucking certainly explained the black dragon’s horrible attitude.

“I feel itchy.”  Rhaegal was shifting restlessly beside him.

Ghost gave a wolfish grin.  “You’re bonded to Jon now.”  Rhaegal nodded though it was not a question.  “That’s what it feels like when Jon’s fucking your mother.”  The wolf’s mouth fell open, and he panted in Drogon’s direction.  “Like an itch you need to scratch.”

His red eyes fell to the windows till he found the one he wanted, and he whispered for the duo to follow as closely as they could as they slid along side the ancient stone, ‘til they were just under the window to Jon’s chambers.

“Hear that?”  He certainly could, and by the look of confusion on the dragons’ faces they could as well.  The Silver Dany let out a throaty yell then, followed by Jon’s name, the sounds and smells of mating flowing from the open window and out into the night.

“Is he hurting her?”  Drogon was rumbling and thrashing his tail about, rage building in those mad eyes.

But Rhaegal responded before Ghost could answer.  “No.”  He drew the word out, his head rising until he could look into the room for himself, then shooting back down to stare at Ghost.  “Why are they doing that?”

Drogon mirrored his brother’s actions, even angrier but endlessly puzzled when he lowered his head as well, clearly befuddled by what he’d seen.  “Explain this!”

Ghost gave a shrug, padding off a few paces, ready to give his brother a spot of privacy with his mate, heading for the clearing along the tree line where he could scent some rabbits running.  “It’s what they do.”  The pair was scrambling after him, landbound, awkwardly lumbering after the sleek wolf.  “Humans.”  Both dragons remained clueless, and Ghost snagged a hare and crunched down heavily, warm blood streaking his fur, downing the small prey in a few bites before continuing.  “When they want to make a pup.”

Drogon shuddered as he watched Ghost eat.  “You’re a fucking savage.”  He grumbled and groused, claws swiping out to catch an elk, idly shooting out gouts of flame to cook the meat before he began to tear it apart.  “You don’t even cook your food, little snack.”

Rhaegal ignored it all, focused only on this new knowledge.  “But our mother is a dragon.”  His eyes lit up, suddenly, turning to his brother in excitement.  “It’s how they make eggs!”

Ghost gave a snicker.  “Humans don’t lay eggs.”  He looked at the pair with amused eyes.  “You lot come from eggs?”

Rhaegal gave a nod, but Drogon preened, proud as he broke his meal’s rib cage between his jaws.  “You should be so lucky.  We certainly do.  Beautiful eggs people pay large sums of gold for.”

Ghost crouched, his attention on the deer he could now sense beyond the tree line.  “Like a chicken then.”  He leapt as the black dragon roared in outrage, his jaws sinking into the deer’s neck, and he pulled the twitching body out of the treeline to drop it in a heap before Rhaegal.

“NOT LIKE A CHICKEN!”

Rhaegal looked at Ghost pleadingly before he cooked the deer his host had provided, his eyes begging the wolf to stop baiting his brother, and Ghost grumpily complied.

“Alright, not like a chicken.  Point is, humans have pups that look like them, and they don’t come from eggs.”  He sat on his haunches, watching the pair as they ate.

“So,” Rhaegal snapped into a femur, “you meant to say that’s what Jon’s doing.  Trying to put a small human in our mother.”

The wolf couldn’t stop the snicker of amusement.  “Oh, no he’s already done that.”  He looked at the pair wonderingly.  What sort of beast were they, that they couldn’t smell the pup in their mother?  “Now he’s just fucking her because it feels good.”

There is nothing funnier to me than the idea that (1) Ghost would ever try ot explain to anyone what sex is and (2) that the dragons wouldn’t know and would be VERY offended and it took a little bit for me to write this scene way way back ago when we all thought that Season 8 would not be a massive shitstain in history because I kept laughing so hard picturing this shit.

This story is probaby one of my favorites, just because it’s silly and every magical creature is TIRED TIRED I SAY of everyone dicking around and just the notion that they’re all like ‘THESE HUMANS ARE SO DUMB UGH DO WE HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING?!”  It just really tickled me, and I might never have written it had the amazing @aweseeds not requested it after her winning bid for the Jonerys Unites charity event.  So, everyone say thank you to aweseeds lol, this might’ve just stayed in my head and silly tumblr posts without that fine investment in fandom content.

Thank you lovely @frostbitepandaaaaa for the ask!  I LOVE YOU BITCH, I AIN’T NEVER GONNA STOP LOVIN’ YOU BITCH!

[lailyn]

I have lost the ask for this (why doesn't Tumblr let people view privately-answered asks? It's stupid). Anyway, here is what a lovely reader asked for: A Strangefrost whump piece, Prompt: Nervous System

Initially I wanted to write this as a one-shot, but the angst potential is too delicious. It is now a multi-chaptered story 😅

Take My Breath Away

TW: Paralysis.

"How can you still be tired? You slept all day," Stephen grumbled.

"Having slept and feeling rested are two mutually exclusive states of being," Loki murmured. "Please leave me alone."

"I want to. But I cannot."

Stephen laid the back of his hand against Loki's forehead, forgoing the thermometer. He had become so attuned to Loki's body temperature, any shift in the equilibrium was a cause for concern. "You don't have a fever."

"I don't know why you were expecting one,” Loki said, gently swatting Stephen's hand away. "I am fine. The fever broke a few days ago, remember?"

"Exactly," Stephen said, feeling uneasy. 

He decided now was as good a time as any to test a theory. "Wanna go grab dinner? We can go to that Mexican place you like so much."

Loki's face took on a pained expression. Out all the cuisines Midgard had to offer, Mexican food was something he had never turned down before. This could only be a test. 

Damn you, Stephen. 

To be perfectly honest, Loki still felt a little run-down. His chest still rattled from time to time with a stubborn cough and his muscles ached with a lingering weakness, not to mention the pins and needles that had been plaguing him since he woke up to the nauseating smell of cooking eggs this morning. 

There was no going around it. Loki slowly pushed the covers back and tried to swing his legs down the side of the bed with the intention to hop to his feet with such agility it would blow Stephen's mind and put a stop to all the unnecessary coddling.

The first attempt was an utter failure when he only succeeded in falling back heavily onto the bed.

"Need a hand to the bathroom?" Stephen sounded teasing, but his eyes were calculating and clinical. 

“I have been in bed for too long,” Loki forced a laugh. “I have become attached.”

“Take it easy,” Stephen said, watching Loki like a hawk as his lover pushed himself off the bed, successfully this time, and staggered toward the bathroom with the comforter around his waist. 

"Do you mind? I need to take a shower."

Stephen rolled his eyes. “I just need to toss this in the washer and then I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.”

“Thought we were going out for dinner?” Loki gripped the bathroom door frame for support. Gravity was a bitch. 

“Just gonna make a cup of honey and lemon tea. You still sound a bit gravelly.”

Loki stared at the bathroom tiles. They were swimming and he waited until they stopped. “Sounds good,” he said distractedly. 

Stephen tugged the filthy, sweat-dampened sheets off the bed and the pillowcases of the pillows. He was about to pull the door knob shut behind him when he heard a loud, sudden thud. 

“Loki?” he called out behind an armful of dirty linen. “You alright?”

Receiving nothing in the way of a satisfactory answer, he dumped the sheets on the floor and marched back into the room. 

He knocked on the bathroom door. “Loki.”

The sounds of running water did not abate. Steam escaped from underneath the door.

“Loki, I’m coming in.”

Loki was sprawled under the shower, leaning against the wall with his legs twisted under him in an awkward angle. 

Ignoring his own fully-clothed state, Stephen stepped into the shower and turned it off. He crouched down next to his boyfriend. 

“What happened?”

“I can’t - ” Loki whispered thickly, “My legs.”

He made a valiant struggle to move them, his upper body twisting and turning with the effort, but his toes would not so much as wiggle. 

“Stephen, what’s happening to me?”

“Calm down.” Stephen snatched the towel off the rack and covered Loki’s modesty. “Let’s get you off the floor.”

In a split-second, he had Loki laid out on the bed once more. 

“Tell me all your symptoms,” he urged. 

By sheer habit, Loki started to shake his head, before Stephen barked, “Now!”

The sudden reprimand jarred Loki out of his stupor. Loki had never heard Stephen raise his voice at him like that, nor had he ever seen such terror in his human lover’s eyes either. 

“Started off with pins and needles,” Loki stammered, his voice small. “Tingling in my legs. Thought I could walk it off, that it would go away.” A sharp burst of breath, “It didn’t.”

“Since when?” Stephen demanded. 

“This morning.” Another stab of pain had Loki gritting his teeth; it felt like lightning bolts going up his legs. “It hurts.”

“Can you move them at all?” Stephen snapped.

Loki shook his head, on the verge of hyperventilating. “I can’t. I tried.”

A long, slim object made of steel appeared in Stephen’s hand. It looked like a miniature hammer, with a rubber disc for its peen. 

Stephen went down on one knee next to the bed. He hefted Loki’s thigh onto the bend of an elbow, letting the full weight of Loki’s leg rest on his arm, and prepared to strike.

“What are you doing?” Loki asked in alarm.

“Checking your reflexes,” Stephen answered brusquely and swung.

The hammer struck Loki’s tendon right below the knee. When Loki’s leg did not swing out as he expected, Stephen repeated the same on the other leg, which remained flaccid in his arm.

He checked for reflexes further down the leg and just as he feared, the complete absence of reflexes affected not only Loki's knees, but also his ankles.

Loki needed only to study the gradual blanching of Stephen’s face. “This is...bad. Isn’t it?”

Stephen abruptly shot to his feet and whipped out his phone. He stabbed a number on his speed-dial and began to pace the room. 

“We need to get you to a hospital.” 

“What?” Loki could not believe his ears. “Stephen, stop.” 

He tried to catch Stephen’s eyes but to no avail. “Who are you calling? Damn it, Strange!”

Loki reached out a hand to grab his boyfriend as he passed, but the ascending paralysis seemed to be spreading at an alarming rate. Loki watched in horror as his arm too lost its battle with fatigue and dropped onto the bed like a stone. 

Stephen saw, and paled even further. “Thor. Change of plans. Meet me there. Bring Banner.”

He tossed the phone onto the dresser. He hooked an arm around the back of Loki’s shoulders and the other under the knees. 

With a strength he did not know he possessed, Stephen lifted Loki into his arms, eliciting a yelp of pain from the prince, but already it sounded weak and feathery. 

Any longer, Loki would not be able to breathe. 

“Hang on.”

TBC.

[fanficimagery]

Cheap Thrills

Summary: Imagine receiving drunk text messages from a random number. Even when you make it known you're not who the person is looking for, the texts keep coming. And it's not until you make a post about the texts, complete with screenshots, do you find out who it is.

Words: 3.9K Warnings: None that I can think of.

[From XXX-XXX-XXXX]: u awake? [From XXX-XXX-XXXX]: miss u [From XXX-XXX-XXXX]: can i come over? [From XXX-XXX-XXXX]: hello?

You read the texts, snorting at the poor unfortunate individual who typed in the wrong number. Thumbs tapping out a message of your own, you send it before getting back to your movie.

[To XXX-XXX-XXXX]: i'm sure whoever you're trying to reach misses you too? But sorry to say you have the wrong number.

The random number doesn't text you back so you continue on with your night as if nothing had happened. But the next morning, when you wake up, you find yet another text message from the random number.

[From XXX-XXX-XXXX]: i am so sorry about those texts. I was drunk.

[To XXX-XXX-XXXX]: lol it's alright. You're forgiven.

You've had random numbers text you from time to time, but never a number that texts you in a drunken stupor yet again even after you've told them they had the wrong number. So the following night, you're surprised to see the stranger's number pop up again.

[From XXX-XXX-XXXX]: what r u doin?

[To XXX-XXX-XXXX]: umm…

[From XXX-XXX-XXXX]: r u a chick or a dude lol..

You snort. Of course. It's definitely a guy texting because had it been a drunk female there's no way she'd care to find out the gender. She'd most likely just text to her heart's content before passing out without a care in the world whether it was a guy or girl listening to her rant.

[To XXX-XXX-XXXX]: chick.

[From XXX-XXX-XXXX]: yess! Boyfriend?

[To XXX-XXX-XXXX]: jesus. You're really in top form tonight, aren't you?

[From XXX-XXX-XXXX]: baby i'm in top form every night ;)

[To XXX-XXX-XXXX]: and on that note, I'm out. Don't forget to chug some water before bed, Stranger Danger.

The texts continue the following weekend, the drunken stranger flirting to his heart's content. He's funny, is definitely down to cuddle, and really wants to spend the night though he has no clue who you are. You had asked for a name, but never got an answer. You weren't too alarmed about not knowing it since he was never really serious about coming over (at least you hoped not), but your curiosity ended up getting the better of you.

So after screenshotting a couple pages, you post them to Twitter after blacking out every number but the last four with the caption: Get you a stranger who'll drunk text you even after explaining you're not who he's looking for..

You weren't really expecting the screenshots to blow up the way they did, nor for anyone to actually know your drunken stranger, but sure enough a week later you're receiving private messages from none other than David Dobrik himself.

Planning to meet David Dobrik leaves you feeling a bit anxious, but you calm when he tells you his assistant Natalie will be joining him. So after hastily making some plans, you agree on meeting in a public park where there will be others around to make you feel a bit more comfortable.

You choose a pretty shaded spot beneath a tree in clear view of everyone milling about the park, and plop down with an assortment of snacks as you wait for David and Natalie to show up. Fortunately for you, you don't have to wait long. Natalie video calls you to find exactly where you're at and when she does it's not long before you're meeting them face to face.

David's already giggling and recording when he steps up to you, and you can't help but smile in return as you stand to greet them. "Hey. So, uh, it's cool to meet you guys." You briefly hug each of them before gesturing for them to sit with you.

"Likewise," David says. He and Natalie sit, and you offer them some of your snacks which Natalie readily digs in to. "So not to be rude and rush you, but can I please see the texts?"

You chuckle. "Yeah." Bringing forth your phone, you pull up the numerous texts from the number David claims to know. As you pass him your phone, you ask, "So you gonna tell me who Stranger Danger finally is?"

Natalie's eyes widen before she swats at David's arm. "You haven't told her?!"

"Ow! What?"

"David," she sighs.

You watch them, grinning. "I mean I kind of understood why David waited, but I'm really curious as to which one of your friends is thirsty as fuck to be texting a stranger."

David laughs as he continues to read. "Did he really say I'll show you mine if you show me yours?"

You grimace. "Yeah. Even sent me a dick pic which is why I tell him that I don't wanna see the peen a few texts down."

"Oh my god," Natalie muses. "He didn't."

"He did. Now can I please know whose penis I have seared into my brain?"

Natalie facepalms as David says, "Toddy."

"Toddy?" You brow furrows as you try to recall which one Toddy is. It isn't until Natalie shows you a picture of Toddy on her own phone do your eyes widen. "Oh. Oh wow."

David snorts and Natalie winks as she puts her phone away. "So you never once asked what he looked like?" She then asks as David screenshots everything he can before airdropping the pictures to his own phone.

"I mean I didn't really care about what he looked like," you shrug. "I found amusement in the texts and it surprised me that he continued to text every time he got drunk. I asked for a name eventually, but he never gave one."

"So he doesn't know your name or what you look like?" David asks, finally looking up at you.

"Nope."

He slowly smiles and Natalie groans. "I know that look. I hate that look. What are you thinking?"

David giggles. "I'm thinking of surprising Todd." You must make a face because David's quick to finish explaining. "It'll just be us and Todd. We can all hang out at my place and if the others show up, they show up. It'll be fine."

"I- I mean.." You trail off, glancing at Natalie. "What do you think? You've got a clearer head on your shoulders."

"Hey!"

Natalie huffs a small laugh. "It could be fun," she then says with a small shrug. "Todd will definitely find it funny, especially since you exposed him on Twitter. He'll also be happy that you're cute."

You blush as they stare at you, anxiously awaiting your answer. And after taking a moment to think about it, you sigh. "What the hell. Let's do it."

David cheers and they waste no time in helping you gather your trash. David offers for Natalie to drive his car while he drives with you, and she agrees. Then on the way to his house, David records some more to get more of your story for his vlog.

He finds out you're single to which he ooh's at and casually mentions that Todd is single as well, and is quite fascinated to learn that you think his friend is hot. You laugh and end up blushing, so to make you feel a little better he mentions that you're his friend's type as well. But all too soon you're pulling up to David's house where he's instructing you to park behind the safety of his gate.

You've seen his house in several of his videos, but it still leaves you awestruck as they lead you inside. All shoes are left by the front door and you can't help but stare at the ridiculously large bean bag chair when you enter the living room.

"Dibs."

"On?" David asks, he and Natalie immediately plopping down on the couch and stretching out on opposite ends.

"The bean bag." You cautiously take a seat and let yourself sink into it, smiling at David's giggling. Once you're completely laid back and curled up, you sigh in contentment. "I definitely need to invest in one of these."

"It really is comfortable." David taps away on his phone, humming. "So Todd should be here in a couple of hours. Does anyone want to order food while we wait?"

"Food. Yes!" Natalie groans.

"Does anyone deliver a good burger? I am so down for a burger and fries," you grumble.

David turns on his TV while Natalie orders the food. Bohemian Rhapsody is on and you urgently plead for David to leave it on that. He does and you have no shame in singing along or clapping to the Queen songs. The We Will Rock You scene leads you to performing your own rendition of the song, and both David and Natalie crack up when you sing the entire song from heart.

The food eventually gets there and you all take a seat at the kitchen counters. However, not even halfway through with your food, Todd texts David that he's outside.

"Oh shit, Y/N. Hide!" David tells you.

You nearly fall off your stool to which Natalie nearly chokes on her food laughing at, but she's quick to help you into the guest bathroom that's just around the corner. She leaves you alone and rejoins David, and it's not long before a third voice enters the mix.

          ----------

Todd walks into the kitchen, yawning and ruffling his hair. He nods at Natalie as she washes a few dishes to place in the dishwasher, and then takes a seat next to David who has his camera set up across from him.

"So what's going on?" He asks, stealing a french fry from the tray in front of him.

"I called you over here because I want to hear your side of the story," David informs him, slowly grinning.

Todd freezes, nervously chuckling as Natalie smirks at him. "About?"

"About this." David pulls up tweet that went viral, showing Toddy the screenshots of his text messages.

"She didn't," Todd exclaims, laughing. "Fuck. She did!"

"You've been exposed," Natalie muses. "How does it feel?"

"How did you even find these? Or even connect them back to me," Todd then wonders. "Wait does she have a pic?"

"No," David laughs, taking back his phone. "And I know it's you because the last four digits are the exact same as yours, and when I DM'd her I confirmed that the number she had was the same one I had for you. It was a long shot really, but I'm glad I took that leap of faith."

"You talked to her?!"

"Yeah. She's really cool. I think you'd like her."

"Really?"

"Really," Natalie agrees. "And if you keep eating her food, she's going to murder you."

          ----------

"And if you keep eating her food, she’s going to murder you."

"My food?" You mumble. But then Natalie's words click and your eyes widen. You can hear Todd beginning to ask something, but you throw open the door and march out towards the kitchen. "Not another bite, Stranger Danger!"

Todd nearly falls off the stool from where he whirls around so fast and you can't help but laugh. He's surprised, but beams a moment later, and you slowly walk towards him.

"You're the- you're her?"

"Yep." You stop a few feet in front of him. "And you're him- the drunk texter."

"Holy shit." He laughs, shaking his head at David whose recording it all, and then asks you, "Can I hug you? Is that weird?"

"You've sent me a dick pic, man. There's no getting more weird than that."

The tips of Todd's ears burn red as he moves in for a hug and you embrace him briefly. When he lets go, however, he keeps one arm around your shoulders as he faces David's camera once more. "So how much of my texts have you actually seen?"

"Everything but the picture," David giggles. "Y/N deleted it."

"Y/N?" Todd then glances down at you.

"Yep. And you're Todd. It's nice to officially meet you."

"Aw. Aren't you two adorable," David teases. "Now come on. Let's move this to the living room. It's getting weird just standing around."

"Wait. Hold on." You scurry forward and grab up your half eaten burger, taking one last big bite from it before heading towards the living room.

Todd watches you go, gaze adoringly watching your every step. "Marry me."

With bulging cheeks, you wink and continue on.

David and Natalie retake their spots on the couch, and the bean bag is so large that Todd throws himself next to you after you've settled down. The problem with the bean bag, however, is that you end up sliding towards Todd since he's heavier. He winks when you bump into him and you huff a laugh, but you get settled either way and pull out your phone to give you something to do.

Todd, you find out, is an Instagram hoe and you find yourself taking numerous selfies with him- some with filters and some without. You're even in his Instastories, laughing and trying to cover your face, but it's no use. He gives no explanation as to who you are, only that you're a friend. He even posts quick little videos of David and Natalie, and you arguing with David over which movie to watch.

You have no idea how long you've been with the group, only that it feels like you've known these people for a long time, so it's no big surprise that other friends of theirs show up to hang out.

Erin and Carly show up together, followed by Zane and Matt.

"Wait. So let me get this straight," Erin exclaims. "You," she points at Todd, "have been texting her," she then points at you, "for weeks? And you had no clue what the other looked like or names and this is your first time meeting?"

From your position- Todd stretched out one way and you the other with your legs draped over his- you grin. "Yep."

"Todd!" Carly laughs. "What even- how?"

"I thought I was texting Corinna!" He defends himself, chuckling. "I deleted Corinna's number, and she and Y/N have similar numbers. Totally accidental."

Everyone glances at you and you roll your eyes. "Chill. I knew his texts were intended for the ex. I even encouraged him to text her, but his drunken self found more amusement with a stranger."

Natalie snorts. "I'll say. He asked for nudes pretty frequently."

"Todd!" Matt cackles at the same time Zane muses, "Baby, no."

"Don't worry, I never sent them. I got more respect for myself than that," you say. "Todd, on the other hand, has no shame."

"You didn't," Erin says.

"It was one time!"

"It was still a dick pic." You grin. "And come on, man, who are you trying to kid? Your texts were thirsty as fuck at times."

"I have got to see these texts," Zane says.

Smirking, you pull up the text messages on your phone and move to toss your phone to an eager Zane. But seeing what you're about to do, Todd grips your thigh just enough to make you laugh in surprise. "Y/N, don't."

Zane's still reaching for the phone so Todd rolls over you. You grunt at the added weight, wiggling just enough to roll both you and Todd off the bean bag and onto the floor. You both grunt when you land.

"Oh my god," David laughs. "This is better than two girls fighting in baby oil."

Everyone's laughing now, especially when Todd says, "There's nothing better than two girls fighting in baby oil," as he gets the upper hand and straddles your stomach.

Your phone slips out of your hand, which he's quick to grab up, but with your free hand you're free to pinch Todd's nipple through his shirt. He yelps and you're quick to buck him off, you then rolling the both of you in order to straddle his stomach before reaching towards his outstretched arm for your phone.

Todd goes oddly still before giggling and it's all too easy to reclaim your phone. "You know what, I'm not even mad about this position."

Slightly leaning up to glance between you and Todd, you huff a laugh when you see his face is practically in between your tits. "You're a dick." As you fully sit up, you pinch Todd again to which he giggles at and then toss your phone at Zane. "You have free reign to read every one of Todd's texts now. Enjoy." Zane cheers, Matt, Erin, and Carly quickly crowding him to read them as well.

Todd pokes your waist and you flinch, your waist being very ticklish, and the two of you end up slapping each other's hands as you slide off of him and back onto the beanbag. Todd's beaming smile makes your heart beat a little harder and you're grateful he can't hear it.

"You're kind of strong," Todd says as he ends up settling next to you once more.

"I should hope so. I grew up with two older brothers. You best believe they tried every wrestling move on me until I learned how to get out of it."

"They still tease you?"

"All the time." You slowly smile, chuckling at fond memories. "What about you? Any siblings you fight with?"

"Nah. I'm an only child."

"So you're an only child who still acts like a child, huh?"

"Hey!"

Todd reaches over as if he's going to tickle you and you curl up in order to protect yourself. "No! I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."

He chuckles softly and reaches for you again, but he only hooks an arm under your neck and pulls you in so you're curled into his side. "How much longer can you stay?"

You hum. "Not much longer," you admit. "I live about an hour away so I should be on the road pretty soon."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

Zane, Matt, Carly, and Erin are still hysterical over Todd's drunken texts, David and Natalie are in their own world, as are you and Todd. His calm demeanor puts you at ease and you suddenly find yourself wishing you could stay much longer in his presence.

"Aw. Look at them," David suddenly teases. When you and Todd look at him, David smirks. "You're welcome."

You snort. "Shut up." Todd opens up his phone to momentarily distract himself, but in doing so you see the time. "Shit," you mumble. "It's already that late? I need to go."

Todd's head snaps in your direction. "Aw. No."

"Sorry, but I need to." He frowns and your heart goes out to him for a bit. "Tell you what. Let's go grab some dinner. You take your car and I'll take mine so I can leave afterward."

"Fuck it. Let's do it." You and Todd stand up, and everyone readily stares at you. "Nope," he tells them. "None of you are invited."

As the weeks slowly pass, nothing really changes with the exception that you've made friends with several Youtubers, and Todd's taken to texting you when he's sober as well now- maybe even hanging out when he's not with everyone else. So it's really no surprise when you get a FaceTime call from David as you're scrolling through social media before you put a movie on.

Accepting the call, you squint at the too bright room on David's end. "Do you have to have all those lights on? Jesus." As you move around, you end up laying back on your pillows.

He grins. "It's not even midnight. Why are you in bed already?"

"I'm not in bed-bed." You roll your eyes. "I was just getting ready to watch a movie. It just so happens that it's more enjoyable to watch from the comfort of a bed."

"Yeah? Which movie?"

"Guess."

"Bohemian Rhapsody."

"Goddammit."

David giggles. "You have a serious problem when it comes to that kid from Jurassic Park who's all grown up now."

"Joe Mazzello went from an adorable little nerd to total daddy material. He deserves all my love."

"Jesus Christ." You grin at David's amusement. Eventually though, his laughter tapers off. "Well I'll let you get back to your movie, but I need to record something real quick. You game?"

"If it involves me leaving my bed, then no. Other than that, let's do this."

"No. This is good." David props his phone up so he can hold his camera with both hands and record the call. Then, he says, "So since I posted the video of you and Todd meeting, the viewers have gone crazy."

"Of course they have."

"Inquiring minds need to know," he smirks, "if you're still Todd's booty text or if an honest friendship has blossomed from my intervening?"

You roll your eyes, teeth digging into the bottom corner of your lip as you fight off a blush. "Why does this feel like an episode of Catfish where the host is checking in weeks later to see how I'm doing?"

"Just answer the question, Y/N."

"Fine." You sigh. "Hold on." Getting out of bed, you then make your way downstairs. Heading for the kitchen, you then flip the camera on your phone. "Does this answer your question?"

Upon hearing your voice, Todd turns around from his place at the kitchen island where he was fixing a bowl of popcorn. He smiles. "What are you doing?"

"Oh my god!"

Todd's smile falters but your wink lets him know all is good. Sidling up to his left side, you hip check him as you flip the camera back so it catches both you and Todd. "An honest friendship has blossomed," you say. "I am introducing him to my current favorite movie."

Todd chuckles as he leans closer to the screen, his expression then morphing into one of mock horror. "Help me."

"No way. Natalie owes me twenty bucks! NATALIE!" David then sets his camera aside, picking his phone back up as he starts walking around. "So how long have you guys been hanging out for behind our backs?"

"Since you introduced us face to face," Todd says. "And we weren't exactly going behind your back, we just-"

"We wanted to hang out without anyone making a big deal out of it." You shrug. "But it's been long enough and you're going to make a big deal out of it no matter what, so.."

"So if you don't mind," Todd says as he takes your phone from you, "Y/N and I got a movie to watch."

"Wait! Just answer one question," David says. Todd goes quiet, nodding. "Did you finally get Y/N to cuddle you?"

Todd and David explode with laughter at the same time, and that seems to be all David needs to hear. You take your phone back, shaking your head. "Goodbye, David. We'll text you later if you're still awake." And before he can retort, you end the call before pocketing your phone.

"I guess the cat's out of the bag," Todd muses, shrugging sheepishly.

"Well not the whole cat." You slowly smile, leaning up on the tips of your toes and pressing your lips to Todd's. "And it's going to stay that way just a little bit longer. Your fans are crazy."

"Whatever you say, babe. Now can we please go watch that movie of yours? You got me all hyped up after those Queen songs you played all afternoon long."

"Sure thing." Todd grabs the bowl of popcorn and you grab some drinks from the refrigerator. As he follows you back up the stairs, you say, "Now don't get all huffy when I eventually swoon. I adore you, but I adore Joe and Gwilym just a little bit more."

"You're a terrible girlfriend."

"And I'm afraid I don't get much better." You huff a laugh. "You signed up for this, babe. Get used to it."

[karliesbuzzcut]

(100) Million Dollar Lawsuit

Intro | part1 | part2 | part3 | part4

We are on the last chapter (for now) and this the most chaotic one. Mainly because it doesn’t follow any kind of chronological order (or logical sense), it’s just Russ going in circles for literal years.

But I’ll try my best to condense it for you, so all you need to do is to keep your seat belt fastened until the aircraft stops completely.

Right after the failed Ari lawsuit, Russ goes back to his one and only love: Taylor Swift 💫 And he has learned a lesson — not a good lesson, mind you, but a lesson: small claims courts won’t take him anywhere. If he really wants to punish women for not complimenting his suit, he will have to file a multi-million dollar federal lawsuit.

But, since denying sex from The Russell isn’t illegal (yet), he had to come at it from a different angle. I’m going to give Russ a chance to explain himself first.

Before you ask: yes, the following was Russell’s response to a woman thanking Taylor for visiting an 8 year-old girl who was very badly burned in an accident.

As I’ve always said, it’s okay if you aren’t fluent in Bullshit. That’s what I’m here for.

You see, Russell views human interactions as a series of transactions: I make a tweet worth liking, you go on a date with me; I take you to Olive Garden, you give me a handie for free; I put on a suit, you hug me and smile; I write you a song and sue you, you produce said song. Whenever women don’t fulfil their side of the deal, he becomes enraged.

But the reason he has such a strong hate-boner for Tay, is because she seemed to also follow his same ‘moral code’. A kid makes a cute video, she visits them at the hospital. A fan writes her a letter inviting her to their wedding, she goes to the wedding. A couple of kids fold 1989 paper cranes for Andrea, Taylor invites them to one of her concerts.

Russ thought “this is a done deal”. He didn’t write that song for Taylor because he particular liked her; he just thought she’d be the most likely artist to produce it — or at least acknowledge his existence.

I mentioned before that Russ wrote a whole-ass book about this. And I think it’s as good a time as any to talk about it. For a short amount of time, Russell chilled out about the ✨100 million dollar lawsuit ✨ but my guess is that he thought his book would get him the same results as a lawsuit? To be fair, the book is fantastic. 5/5, would recommend. 

He details the harassment he went through after suing Taylor Swift (the first time). Apparently old ladies at coffee shops would scream at him because he dared to sue Our Queen. A Mexican even pointed a gun at him (it wasn’t me, guys! Just a fellow countryman ❤️) and ordered Russ to drop the lawsuit. Computers at his job caught on literal fire because he was sent very powerful viruses. His friend Ken — who definitely exists! — was hit with a Molotov cocktail. Yep. 2016 was definitely the year people were willing to murder for Taylor Swift.

There’s also this brilliant dream sequence that involves an owl with the voice of Morgan Freeman, and Taylor’s agents guarding a tower in which she’s being held captive. 

ALSO ALSO: an entire chapter is called “SHE CHOSE HIM OVER ME”. Taylor Swift chose Joe Alwyn — a man she actually knows — over a man she’s not even aware exists. Women, amiright?

I think Russell would enjoy the Kaylor community to a certain extent. Not the lesbian part, obviously: he doesn’t trust women who don’t want to touch his peen. I just mean the baseless hatred of Joe. Look, I made a little collage of his rants ❤️ tell me if any of this sounds familiar!

You know — I’ve been joking around a lot about Russell just wanting to do the nasty with Taylor. But you know me, I like joking around. In reality Russ only wants what is fair. He wants to put a stop to all these senseless acts of kindness perpetrated by Taylor ‘The Generous’ Swift.

This isn’t about him at all, actually. Shame on you for thinking there’s an ounce of greed in that selfless little body of his. HE’S DOING THIS TO PROTECT THE KIDS WITH CANCER!

There are no ulterior motives here! This isn’t about a date!

THIS IS NOT ABOUT A DATE AT ALL GUYS STOP SAYING THAT.

I think this is my favourite post of his, because– grammatically speaking –he doesn’t specify which of them is wearing the red dress. And that sends me every goddamn time.

Anyway. The book, as magnificent as it was, got him absolutely nowhere. I know, I can’t believe it either. So he went back to focus on his lawsuit. But apparently not enough, because he didn’t serve her properly..? Now, don’t expect me to understand this, because I am very stupid (so it’s quite a good thing that I haven’t sued anybody for millions of dollars) but something about him sending the lawsuit to her old legal team..? And then trying to force UPS to serve her? I think he even said he was going to serve her in the middle of one of her concerts... but I’m guessing that didn’t go as planned 🤷‍♀️ oops.

Of course, Russie wouldn’t allow such an anticlimactic ending. Can you guess what he did? Please tell me that you can guess what he did. HE MADE ANOTHER SONG 😭❤️

This one is called ‘I Don’t Get You, Taylor Swift’. Another masterpiece that we definitely didn’t deserve 🙌

This was around April, 2019. By then I was being lured away by Kaylors, so I broke it off with Russ. I know that he filed a 3rd lawsuit against Taylor last year, which is just like the second one but hopefully this time he’ll be able to serve. And listen— I know that sounds like an awful thing to wish on Taylor, but I’d rather have Russell occupied suing a rich woman (who isn’t even going to deal with him), than a poor sex worker in Nevada. I bet TayTay would prefer that too.

Well guys, I’ve mentioned this a few times already, but I really had to be selective with the amount of information I was going to throw at you. I’ve avoided some of the shittier stuff he said or did, because I wanted to keep these posts as lighthearted as possible. I also didn’t touch on many things because they would just derail us. Like for example: one of the few lawsuits he has filed against someone who isn’t a woman, was against the state of Utah. I know, right? He’s trying to singlehandedly legalise prostitution in Utah, and even wrote a book (more like a pamphlet) brilliantly titled ‘Why I'm Making It Legal for Your 18 Year Old Daughter to Get In Bed with a Complete Stranger for Only 500 Bucks: A Short Essay from a Pro Se Litigant who is Challenging the Utah Brothel Bans’.

I copy-pasted that title guys, I swear to god.

The book is very graphic. This one I certainly do not recommend as I still suffer nightmares because of it.

Soren is a character who also had to be cut out — which is a shame because he really tried to be a good christian and help Russell. Not as in “I support you, Russell” but as in “why don’t you take a nap, Russell”. Turns out, even cinnamon rolls have a limit. Russ, of course, blames Taylor Swift for the fact that he’s losing his friends. I’m not joking — it’s an article in his lawsuit:

Greer has lost family relationships, friend connections and business connections because of the trauma of Taylor Swift. His family tells him to "get over it," resulting in shouting matches and strained relationships. Greer's friends get annoyed by his focusing on the trauma of it, when nobody knows the pain of getting rejected by a public figure — twice — and the fallout that has resulted from it.

Russell embodies that comic/meme of the little guy who puts a stick in his bicycle’s wheels and then blames Taylor Swift when he inevitably falls.

Sooooo...

Maybe someday I’ll write a post about Russ’ latest antics. I know he still posts stupid stuff on Facebook, which he later deletes. He shined especially bright at the peak of the BLM movement. He also plead guilty to electronic communications harassment— did you see that conviction coming? Yes, yes you did 😌

Regarding Taylor, I read that Russ knew someone who knew Todrick Hall — and Russ sent him a song and video for Taylor. All he got back was a Cease and Desist letter. But I’d have to do a bit of digging to get the details. I was already so overwhelmed with organising the information I was previously aware of, that I decided to leave the newer stuff for another time. You know, once I’ve had some time to inform myself... as well as a really long shower.

Since I left so much shit out, I’ll be taking questions if you have any. And if you can muster the courage to ask them. I’m weirdly proud of being some kind of Russell encyclopaedia. I might not have much going for me...

There’s no ‘but’ — that was the complete statement.

Before I go, I wanted to add this screenshot. I absolutely love it because it summarises ✨The Russell Experience✨. Russ wants Taylor to know pain, poverty and punishment. But when asked “why?” his answer is just “oh, I was ignored lol”

*none of the screenshots are mine

[fairie-gothmother]

In The Shadow of Starlight, Part 6: Gut Instincts

First part: The Fall

Previous: The Sheep Will Flock

How long had it been? Days, weeks? Troy lost track of time while he’d been slowly starving to death. Since his excommunication, each moment blurred into the next as whatever he possessed of the leech power fed off of his own body. Finally, he had some relief. He couldn’t help but be grateful for the scientist’s carelessness during the lab experiments. That was the first time he’d taken from any siren apart from his twin. It felt very different. This energy was more restless than he was used to. Maybe this what Ty meant by saying she could taste what she leeched.

Now that Troy had some extra juice, he felt incredible. Even after Lilith dumped him in Sanctuary’s garage on the bottom deck, he was amped. And what did Troy do when he was hyped up and left to his own devices? He beatboxed. The Calypso bobbed his head and swayed to the groove, bustling around the room and inspecting the equipment. He had to admit, it wasn’t a bad setup. He knew everyone was talking about him, probably deciding where to eject him into space, but he wished they’d hurry it up already.

He paused when a noise from nearby threw off his rhythm. A beep came again from a cluttered desk. With no regard to the desk owner’s privacy, he opened one of the drawers to find an Echo device inside. It was an older model, but obviously still in working condition. Troy glanced over his shoulder and scanned the room for cameras before putting the Echo on silent mode and slipping it into his pocket.

“Hey.”

Troy reeled around, startled from the voice and saw the blue haired siren descending the stairs into the workshop.

“Relax,” the sapphire siren said. She wiped the dust off a tool box and casually leaned against it. “Don't look so guilty. I, uh… Sorry for phase-chucking you across Tannis’s lab. You alright?” 

Oh. He wasn't busted after all. Still, Troy couldn’t help but be suspicious. No way she cared to chat. Probably cared even less about hurting him. A golden canine glinted through his lopsided smile. “I did ask for it, didn’t I? But yeah, I’m good. No hard feelings, Meg.”

“It’s Maya,” she said, obviously annoyed. “Get it right next time. Okay, Trent?”

Excuse me? Troy furrowed his brow and glared at her. She wore a playful smirk and raised her eyebrows as if daring him to correct her. Interesting. She was messing with him.

“Alright then, Maya. Let’s hear it already,” he folded his arms across his chest. “Are you guys gonna launch me into the nearest sun? Or does the scientist want me as a lab rat for unethical tests? Whatever it is, please don’t tell me it’s life in prison. That’s boring. I deserve something creative.”

Maya shook her head. “Oh, no. You don’t get off that easy. You’re still helping us fight the COV.”

Troy cocked his to one side, analyzing the siren in a skeptical stare. As hard he looked for the smallest hint that she was full of shit, her body language suggested she was telling the truth. He huffed, “So what, no punishment then? I figured the Firehawk would want this handsome mug served on a silver platter.”

Maya gave a one shouldered shrug. “You said you didn’t leech Tannis on purpose. Sometimes powers are weird like that. With some training, you might be able to control it.”

Easy for her to say. If only it was as simple as meditating on a mountain to master his broken siren powers. “Ah, right. You’re from Athenas. I’m sure those monks taught you all about control and restraint, great power is great responsibility, blah-blah-blah. But it’s pretty safe to say that I’m a special case. Clearing my chakras isn’t gonna do it for me.” 

“It would at least help with that attitude of yours.”

Troy began pacing and brought his flesh hand to his chin. “I don’t know. It wouldn’t be considered very zen if I accidentally ended up leeching you. Then again, you might taste like chamomile tea.” He cast a half-hearted sideways glance in Maya’s direction.

Maya rapidly drummed her fingernails on the tool box and said, “I take it back. I’m not sorry to phaselocking you.”

“That’s what I thought,” Troy snickered. “Be honest. How many times a day do you phaselock stuff just because you can?”

Maya closed her eyes and clasped her hands in front of her, mimicking a monk’s prayer pose. “I take a great amount of pride in my self discipline so if you must know-” She raised her left hand, and her fingers sparked. A ball peen hammer levitated from a workbench and hovered across the room into Maya’s hand. “I do it all the time.”

Troy scoffed. “Show off.”

The two were locked in a stare down. It wasn’t clear who cracked first, but neither of them could keep a straight face for long. A gentle blue glow emitted from Maya’s siren marks. Troy’s smile dropped as he looked down to his left hand, noting the harsh red light of his own marks.

“You really didn’t know that would happen to Tannis, did you?” the blue haired woman asked softly.

“No,” he answered honestly. “I’m still trying to get a grip on everything myself.” All his life he’d been broken. His parents treated him as a burden, although they never said it outright. He was constantly sick and needed extra help when he struggled with the use of only one arm. And Tyreen never considered him an equal. Even as one of the twin gods, he wasn’t seen in the same light as the God Queen. And now that he knew he possessed siren power without knowing it, his whole outlook was in question. What did it mean? What other parts of himself remained untapped?

Maya said, “Even if it’s only half, you’re still a siren. It’s not an easy life. Sirens have always been feared, hunted, extorted… worshipped.” Troy met her blue-gray eyes for a moment, then redirected his gaze to the wall. “We’re just trying to find our place.”

Troy’s heart skipped a beat. We?

“Yeah,” he said in a voice just above a whisper. He snapped out of it and quipped, “But, you gotta admit. Life would sure be a lot easier if I could phaselock grapes into my mouth all day.” 

Maya scrunched up her face and flung an empty can at Troy, who reflexively caught it in his mechanical hand with a metallic clang. He waved it, shook his head, and grinned at her.

“Nice catch, wise-ass. Now, get in the drop pod,” Maya teased.

That tiny thing? Troy had used porta-potties with more legroom than that. “You’ve gotta be kidding me,” Troy groaned. The siren smiled wickedly as she held the hatch open and ushered him inside. He sighed knowing the ride back to Pandora would not be a comfortable one.

~~~

On a normal day, Ellie was a delight. Today was not a normal day considering her garage was used as solitary confinement for one of the most hated influencers in the galaxy. Maya recalled her saying, “He’s about as welcome as an outhouse breeze.” It took a while to convince the mechanic that her garage was just as she left it. Eventually, she cooled her boiling blood down to a simmer.

If Maya was being honest, she didn’t actually believe that Troy hadn’t messed with something. Call it a gut feeling. The same gut feeling that knew Ava would be a siren someday. The same gut feeling that told her to go talk to Troy just now. Her gut hadn’t lied to her yet so she didn’t question it. The ex-God King was absolutely still on thin ice, but she was willing to give him a chance. Maybe he just needed some guidance. Either that or he was a hopeless, cocky little shit.

Hydraulics hissed from the rising door as Maya entered the ship’s bridge. The orbital view of Pandora loomed outside the windows of Sanctuary’s observation deck. Crew members clacked away on keyboards at their posts. Lilith and Tannis stopped mid-conversation when they noticed Maya approaching.

“Troy’s on his way back to base,” Maya announced, slightly out of breath from rushing up three flights of stairs. “Cramer should be waiting for him when he lands. What did I miss?” she asked when she noticed neither of them would look her in the eye.

“Sorry I didn’t tell you about Tannis sooner. I decided the fewer people that knew about it, the better. These days, being a siren puts a target on your back,” Lilith apologized. 

The revelation that the two of them were keeping Tannis’s siren powers a secret was shocking to say the least, but Maya wasn’t upset. She understood. Her own siren powers had been used by others to threaten an entire planet’s population. “I get it. I’m glad to have another siren on our side.” Maya smiled at the scientist, who awkwardly returned the gesture. It was cute when she made an effort.

“How are you, Tannis?” Maya asked.

“I'm fine. No need to fuss,” Tannis said. “It was actually interesting to experience the leech power first hand.”

Lilith knitted her brows. “Troy could have killed you. We still don’t know his intentions. Who knows what other abilities he’s hiding.”

Maya recalled the look of shock on Troy’s face while he held Tannis’s wrist, and the way he kept his distance from the two sirens afterwards as they processed what the hell just happened. After the conversation she’d just had with the Calypso, Maya felt the need to voice her opinion. “It seems like he doesn't understand his abilities either. I really don’t think he leeched Tannis on purpose.”

The commander was unconvinced. “Even if that’s true, we can’t underestimate what he’s capable of. This is still Troy Calypso.” Lilith stared out of the window at Pandora below. “For now, he’s useful to us. We’re going to need all the power we can get. It’s about time to make our move on the Holy Broadcast Center. There’s been a lot of activity lately. I’ve got a feeling something big is about to go down.”

Claptrap’s eardrum piercing voice called from the command console, “Incoming transmission!”

Speak of the devil. Maya’s heart sank as Tyreen’s smug face appeared on the overhead monitors. She was beginning to wonder if the COV had tapped their coms. Their timing was unusually coincidental.

“Hey, Lil!” the cult leader said in a singsong voice. “How’s life been as a non-siren normie human? Does it suck? I bet it sucks. Not gonna lie, these powers of yours are pretty sweet.” Lilith was seething. Tyreen had a knack for getting under her skin. The Calypso continued, “But hey, you don’t have to take my word for it. You know someone who knows all about my Firehawk upgrade. Just ask my brother.”

Damn. Word had finally reached her. Now Tyreen knew the Crimson Raiders were harboring her disowned twin.

“By the way, did that traitorous freak happen to mention the fact that he stole something from me? Can you believe it? Yoinked it right out from under me. I don’t want your grubby normie fingerprints on my stuff so if he shared it with you, I’m gonna need it back.”

Lilith calmly replied, “I assumed you’d know better since you were the one who dumped him in the middle of nowhere. He wasn’t exactly in any condition to exchange gifts when we found him. He’d been stripped and unarmed.”

Tyreen paused before shrieking with laughter. “She said unarmed! Please tell me you meant to make that pun.” She wiped a tear from her eye. “I needed that. No big deal. It’s a matter of time until I find it anyway. Well, I’ve got places to be. Big milestone event coming up. You’re gonna love it. Oh, and tell Troy I said hi before he runs outta juice and shrivels up. 'Kay? Laterz!” The Calypso winked before the feed was cut.

Maya’s fists tingled with the urge to meet that punchable face. She hollered back at the empty screen, “Troy will be the one kicking your door in, you cocky bitch!”

Claptrap said something about the video transmission’s crappy production value, but no one was listening. Lilith grit her teeth. “Using Troy was the plan, but that’s only if we can keep him alive long enough to get there.”

Maya squeezed her fists tighter, causing her fingernails to dig into her palms. Tyreen was always one step ahead of them. She couldn’t care less that her brother was in the Raider’s custody. Because of Troy’s dependence on her, she never even saw him as a threat.

Tannis chimed, “I have a theory, but you aren’t going to like it, Lilith.” All eyes turned to the scientist. “It is apparent that Troy cannot absorb the life force from living things through touch alone, with the exception of sirens. According to my experiments, it’s highly plausible that he can gain the same effect by ingesting it directly via anthropophagy or hematophagy.”

The room was silent apart from the humming of the spaceship. Maya blinked and said, “Tannis, no one understands you when you talk like that. In layman’s terms, please?”

Tannis sighed in disappointment but explained, “Troy should be able to regain energy from cannibalism or drinking blood.”

~~~

Sorry it took so long for an update. I’ve been working through a serious creative block. Showing my girl Maya some love in this part. This was a little shorter than usual, but I hope it was still entertaining. As always, thanks for reading my garbage! <3

[tellywoodtrash]

sanjivani 08.10.19 lb

i know sid is attentively listening to shashank and all, but this is legit my face in every godforsaken useless meeting i've had to sit through in my corporate career. never again, my dudes. never again.

ohohohohoh baby juhi ki tareefein.

HOW IS HIS FACE SO FILLED WITH FONDNESS FOR EVERYONE?!?! SIDDHANT KAHAAN SE LAAAAAATE HO YAAR ITNI EMOTIONAL CAPACITY???????

juhiiiii ko inmein apni parchaayi dikh rahi hai.

aye haaye shy babies.

lmao vardhan ko manage karne in dono ko bhej rahein hain. bestttttttttttttt. one has social skills of a plastic fork, and the other is ready to throw hands at vardhan at any given point.  

stern and specific warning to sid ki pls hathaapaai par utar mat aana.

lol upar se ishani ko class monitor bana diya.

"aap predictable nahi hain. main bas aapko bohut achche se jaanti hoon."

lo idhar inki ideological jung shuru. ishani wants to request official permission via email while sid is like lets just do whatever first and ask for forgiveness later.

"yeh doctors ki harkatein nahi hai, criminals ki hain."

"criminal nahi, efficient. shaana."

"dedh shaana!"

"apne senior se aise baat karte hain?"

lol pls tum dono ne kabhi bhi senior/junior ka lihaaz rakha hai????

lol what a lameassss excuse.

ishani itna bhi mat dara karo, my god. also lmao @ his smile.

ugh you just need ANY excuse to get all up on her you cute asshole.

lol sid legit just wants to send vardhan off on a day spa vacation and get jessi and jiggy married while he's away.

ishani toh serious ho gayi.

wake up call for siddhu.

awww how fiercely he's saying she's not anything like her parents and trying to make her feel better.

great.

lol vardhan. ishani + email + sid = panga. already he's like jfc damage control karna hoga.

ugh blah blah blah we know he's gonna agree form the episode title. bas kyun karta hai, tell us that.

red herring waale refusal pe siddhu already in a punchy mood but trying hard to control himself.

lo ji mil gaya approval.

hahahaha sid's suspicious face.

ouff this one is sooooo whinyyyyy whenever sid and ishani score a win. tu apna dekh na, manhoos. 

lololololol vardhan wants the cover of shaadi and rasmein to line maarofy on anjali. what a loser.

also thank god it’s just that, and not something truly nefarious.

lmao shashank is just as suspicious as sid.

"kamaal ki team hai tum dono ki. sochna chahiye tum dono ko.... you know, team...."

din raat wohi toh soch rahein hain sir, isse zyaada kya sochein.

awwww nurse philo.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. MY HEART. LOOK AT THEM. KOI NAZAR KA TIKA LAGAO REEEE!!!

sid ki shak ki sui abhi nahi hili. he like......

oh nayi asha ki entry hai aaj.

she looks like a non-kanji eyed amrapali gupta. and her dialogue delivery isn't as fluent as rashmi's but i’m willing to give her a fair chance.

oh boy.

lmao everyone's reactions at rishabh's dariya-dili.

arrerere jhappi and all. too much only.

lol now ishani's also like OH GOD YOU'RE RIGHT THEY'RE GONNA FUCK SHIT UPPPPPPPPPP (“woh meri dukaaan hadap lena chahta hai!!!!!1111” tone of voice)

literally the only thing a couple needs to have in common is the people they hate. baaki sab ka adjustment ho jaata hai. and that's the point they've reached today, lol.

ishani, apna coffee toh peeya, uska toh chod do???

"maanti ho na? humare beech mein, kuch toh hai......... similar."

ok but why did you pause like THAT, you asshole????

THE MOST TELLYWOOD OF KISSES LMAO.

(also good he didn't notice, coz omg lipstick grime on a cup is literally the grossestttt shit ever, i wouldn't even put my lips on MY OWN lipstick ka nishaan.)

ishani and the titli noticed tho.

EXCUSE ME SIR YEH KYA TAREEKA HAI COFFEE PEENE KA, AISE SEX EYES DETE HUE????????

lmaoooooooooo bhaag gayi.

"lagta hai pichchle janam mein yeh sprint champion thi."

THIS ONE'S MIND IS TOO FULL OF VARDHAN AND RISHABH AND THEIR SAAZISHEIN TO NOTICE ISHANI AND HER CUP AND THAT HE'S WEARING A WHOLEASS COAT OF HER MAYBELLINE CREAMY MATTE LIPSTICK IN CLAY CRUSH RIGHT NOW. IDIOT FELLOW.

these two are finally making up. thank god.

oh. she's divorced from rahul.

(but also, it's a stupid question shashank. she didn't even know you were in this whole equation until a few days ago, then how can she accurately tell if you were a factor in the divorce or not?)

rahul went over to the dark side it seems. hmmm.

good that juhi is still holding shashank responsible for the khilwaad he did with her career.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH, WHAT A WOMAN. MORE STRONG AND SENSIBLE AND ADMIRABLE FEMALE PROFESSIONALS PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(ALSO MOM, PLS TAKE ISHANI UNDER YOUR WING AND MAKE HER AS AWESOME AS YOU!!!!!!!!!)

OMG DON'T LEAVE US ON THIS CLIFFHANGER PLEASE GOD JESUS HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WAIT TILL TOMORROW TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!

———————————————————————

OMFG I DON'T THINK THIS IS A DREAM BECAUSE HE'S MAINTAINING A RESPECTABLE DISTANCE OMG OMG OMG WTF AND JESUS THEY BOTH LOOK SO FUCKING HOT IN THEIR SIMPLE MONOCHROME OUTFITS MY GOD THIS SHOW IS GOING TO BE THE FUCKING END OF MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

[hoodie-bboi]

in honor of school starting, here are some things i either heard or said last year as a high school freshman. enjoy.

(List compiled by @teawarlord and i)

Freshman Year (2018-2019)

I’m just gonna stick my hands down my shirt.

Kai you’ve got a big dick. (Kai does not have a dick.)

I’m crying from the dick.

Stop fingering everything

Don’t judge the lizard man!

YOURE A PEEN BOY!

Can I borrow your uterus?

Don’t fist the applesauce

No I’m not gonna fist it I’m just gonna punch it

I didn’t choose the gay life the gay life chose me

Is your crotch ok?

My brain is soup

If they have a c*ck like a toddlers forearm…

I’m pregnant with water

I’m not having kids and you can’t make me!

There’s cum on my apple

i’m tearing off the cum

Oh shit the apple cummed on me

Who wants to talk about animal sex?

Daddyyyyy UWU

*to the tune of duck tails* TOE HANDS UWU

eggs. eggs everywhere.

If I see her walk through the door I’m jumping down. (30 ft drop)

When I see (my gf) I’m slapping her ass because I’m mad at her.

Fuck you time, you’re just a concept.

I love communism~

Panda bears are resoundingly NOT in to sex! -Science teacher

If they were any more inbred, they’d be a sandwich.

I don’t want to be shanked by your pop tart!

What if everyone had dicks for fingers?

*walking in to a room* I’m not gay, but 20 bucks is 20 bucks.

Don’t ask questions you don’t know the answer to.

Do we do it in Español or Spanish?

“I wanna go to Maryland” “Why?” “Because fuck Maryland” “But why?” “It’s the land of merry” (or Mary, jesus’ mom, idk)

I don’t wanna eat my limp dick pop-tart :(

Don’t screw ghosts, that’s a sin ;)

Our phrase of the day is Multigenerational Butt Licking

“I didn’t eat today” “That’s bad…” “I know-“ “C O N S U M E”

“I don’t worship Satan because I am Satan” *whips poorly*

I finally found out what my cat has been staring at all these years…

No matter how sexy your music is, you can never lick it.

And not the egg??

You don’t stand when you suck dick, dumbass

I love squating when sucking dick. Just *squats* euaaah

Why are you fucking the sherbet with your spoon?

i stuck my finger in there and he starts doing that

I’d rather you stick your human-sized foot up my veen than my ass.

Soft vore your sandwich.

Can forks… mate?

*bursts into room* WHERES THE MEATLOAF??? *takes two pieces of wooden pretend-meatloaf and runs out*

Grunhilda’s in my pants :(

Where is my penis!?

*into headset* I’m gonna kill Gerald. He’s eating our beans. *Gerald runs out laughing like a little girl*

First he eats my beans, then he throws my table.

Oof. I got a big whiff of beans.

Take off those clout goggle bro, you got no clout.

Bruh :(

What do we call an animal that is active mostly act night?

Insecure (the correct answer is nocturnal)

A ball of fire flew out of her vagina

I got the beats, ya bitch

That damn bastard, peein on my carpet

Do you ever forget to breathe because you’re so tired? (Immediately) Yes.

(About Burt’s Bees) Who the fuck is Burt?

“12-8 is 4” (In a condescending tone) “12-8 is 5.”

Some people think ivory powder is viagra

Do you have any on you? I’m asking for a friend…

What’s a hussy?

Teacher: It’s a… very flirtatious female.

oH, so a hoe!

Teacher: I MEAN YOU’RE NOT WRONG

i don’t dislike students. but i dislike this student very much.…

“Are you depressed?” “Hella”

*carrying a shovel* Do you know of any graveyards nearby?

Bro what’s wrong with AIDS?

What if I slap my vagina?

I’m not gonna slap your vagina.

I am so close to becoming bisexual right now

I GOT CHEESE JUICE ON MY FINGERS

“I DONT LIKE THAT SOUND” “Let me suck the cheese juice off of it”

Did you steal my eyes?

PLEASE DONT STEAL MY KNEECAPS

Do humans eat sharks?

caMELS? Do camels eat sharks?

I’M GONNA DEEPTHROAT THIS KNIFE

nO

Have you guys ever felt how soft Kaia is?!

Bro I gotta find out if he’s gay or bi, because if he’s bi then I have a chance.

(from above the stairs) aw man don’t be slappin me like that

(from below the stairs) I’LL SLAP WHATEVER I WANT TO

(above) yo who the fuck said that

I don’t like turkey

i’ll eat it

It’s not turkey, it’s salami

!!???

you schlorped my cheese

twincest is NOT wincest apparently

STOP DRINKING YOUR RANCH WHAT THE FUCK

JACK FROST NIPPING AT YOUR NOSE? MORE LIKE HE’S SLITTING MY THROAT IN THIS COLD

(about kidney stones) Are those generic by the way? (instead of genetic)

Why are you eating your book?

LEAVE ME ALONE

So not to get political or anything but what the hell is oatmeal?

I love when I call daddy!

“I don’t want glass up my cooter!” “No, coffee.” “THATS EVEN WORSE”

I want to slap someone with my ovaries

Did you eat your last brain cell?

Don’t hurt my neck hole

I don’t care about your egg

Peanut fucker

The Ugly Fuckling

While you’re in this group, don’t get on the roof.

There’s a roof?

During this time, we stay under the building (referring to under the roof).

I will throw my skull at you

Don’t put your eggs in my stomach

the egg juiced

I don’t care what you do, just be quiet… don’t raise hell…

Don’t put your egg in my stomach

IT JUICED (about the egg)

YOU ATE YOUR APPLE SO PRETTY

I’m ten? (through laughter) I’m not legally allowed in my house

We are Dong

All is Dong, Dong is all

dong with a capital D

This monster Dong is a Dong and a half

They’re an abomination of the foot, Debra

I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up

Why are you eating in the dark on my bed?

I’m sure anyone can fuck a belly button if they have a fetish and a small enough dick

stop molesting her ear

so her tummy was open?

yeah, it was

so now she doesn’t have any bones?

w h a t ?

you need to learn to keep your blood

blood is for drinking, not living

i am bsexudkal

i have no king, im an anarchist

The Council Knows, Kaia. You Will Be Tried For Your Sins.

wake up

I made someone scream with my stick

HOLA I JUST CAME BACK FROM HAWAII

We’re gonna be talking about diseases

Fantastic! i LOVE talking about myself!

i thought i could turn the tables…. but the tables turned me!

on?

i’m turned on by tables

bullets are just gun jizz

GUINNEA BUISSEAU IS JUST GUN JIZZ

i have the bladder of a god

i’m sick, as compensation buy me new shoelaces

if you have a canker sore does that mean you have herpes?

duncan blew a thing

can you get better tea?

(offended) better tEETH?

i get my gender validation from a pokemon game

i bet you my room smells like egg… ass

finals week (and the week before)

please don’t talk about furries -my science teacher

the smiley face is frowning upon us

if you want to tp a tree, you tp it so well the best way to clean it up is to cut it down -also my science teacher

i think i have kidney stones up my nose

when someone tells you to hold your horses they’re telling you to be stable (in the middle of the final)

airport quotes (2018)

it’s like a velociraptor with a gun that shoots… sadness

my vibrator fell out of my bag

here's to a new year of learning and/or doing jack shit. sophomore edition coming next year. :)

[licieoic]

11/11/11 meme

I was tagged by @lacylu42 , thanks sweetie! The rules are: 11 questions answered, 11 questions given, and 11 people tagged!

1. Have you had to “kill any darlings” from your current WIP, ie: quotes, characters, scenes, etc. that you LOVE but don’t fit and have to be cut? Please share.

Not from my current WIP, but from My Fair Baron, yes. Originally, in the fic, I had Rose choose between Ten and Jack and then Jack stayed on to help when she chose Ten. I was told there were too many characters so I had to cut Jack, I gave most of his lines to Donna and the more scintillating lines I gave to Ten. However! In my current WIP, I brought the Jack character back in a minor way that has the potential to be more later on. Nothing is truly wasted!

2. What is your favorite genre to write in and why? Is it different from the genres you like to consume?

I love writing historical romance because I adore the research. I love learning when things were invented, what people were eating and how it was prepared, and what people were wearing. But I write and read a lot more than that! Honestly, the genre is secondary to the story in what I choose to read.

3. Do you consciously study existing works by other authors to improve your own writing? If so, what types of things do you look at?

I do! I read as much as I can. When I feel stuck, I read something to inspire me, but it’s almost always fanfic. I like to read stories with strong women personalities, so Rumbelle and Doctor/Rose stories are great for that.

4. Have you noticed any patterns in your own writing, ie: you always have a certain type of character, like to explore a certain type of story, etc.?

I’m not sure. I mean, I always write romance and very seldom have an unhappy ending, but I’m not sure I have any other hallmarks that say “THIS IS A LICIE STORY.” (Unless it’s a BDSM story. In which case, you can tell it’s mine if it feels like a fantasy but still very much based in reality, something you could conceivably see happening in real life.)

5. Do you do most of your world building before you write, while writing the first draft, or during revisions?

All three! A story evolves as it’s being written so I will have some initial ideas during story planning, I will get more as I do the first draft, and then I refine things during editing.

6. If when your WIP hits the bestseller list, where would you like to go or what would you like to do on a book tour? Is there somebody you’d like to be interviewed by?

I want to go everywhere and do everything, it would be especially cool if I could meet the friends I’ve made here on Tumblr and AO3 during a book tour. As for someone I’d like to be interviewed by... Is asking for David Tennant too much? I guess I’d settle for one of my favorite talkshow hosts like Graham Norton or Steven Colbert, though I doubt they’d want to interview a romance writer! LOL

7. How do you approach setting the scene in your work? Are you into lush descriptions or giving the bare minimum and allowing the reader to fill in the blanks?

I like being descriptive and that’s where having an editor comes in handy. I had like, 5 or 6 paragraphs describing a masquerade ball and she advised me to condense it to 3. People can fill in a lot of blanks on their own, there isn’t a need to describe every little detail, just enough to paint a watercolor picture and the reader can fill in the rest.

8. Do you follow a set structure (ie: hero’s journey, 3-act structure) when plotting out your works, or fly by the seat of your pants?

I generally try to outline a story first because I have WIPs that I didn’t do that for and they are just... SITTING there driving me crazy because I don’t have an ending. But other than that, a story can change on its own, characters can sometimes lead you places you didn’t think you’d go, so unexpected things happen. Other than that, I have a basic “inciting incident/meet-cute, main action, complication, overcoming adversity together, rinse/repeat, big moment, then big conflict, leading to the resolution” structure. With sex sprinkled in there like pumpkin spice. ^_^

9. What does your revision process look like?

I hand my draft to my editor and she gives it back to me with notes. The most important part of revision is this - if the editor has a question, the reader may very well have the same question, and it is my job to make that part make more sense. And if she says I should cut something or rewrite something, it’s important to know that it doesn’t mean the writing isn’t good, it means it doesn’t fit the story and should be changed.

10. Please share a bit of dialogue from your WIP that shows us something important about the character’s personality.

“That bloody bastard, that, that… pigeon-livered ratbag! Oh, there isn’t a word bad enough for him!”

“Isadora, please calm down—”

“I will not!” she snapped. “Do you know, the single most toxic thing men are taught to believe as they grow up is that being a good and proper adult with responsibilities and everything means doing all of it completely alone, completely without help. And it’s bollocks! What they should be learning is where and when to ask for the help they need in order to function at their ideal level. Everyone’s level of need is different!”

11. Please share any jokes or funny bits from your WIP of which you are ridiculously proud. ;)

Euphemisms for peen utterly amuse me, so I wrote this - 

Sidling over to him, she traced her fingers up his arm to his shoulder to drape her arms about his neck. “Master Longfellow and I are intimately acquainted, or did you forget?”

His cheeks blazed. He had definitely not forgotten.

11 New Questions! To be answered by (if they feel like it): @kelkat9 @suchadearie @leftennant @toppbanana @ktrosesworld @worryinglyinnocent @abovethesmokestacks @lostinfic @theoneandonlylittlebird @pipertennant @charlotteashmore13

How do you attempt to avoid day-to-day distractions?

What’s the difference between procrastination and pre-writing?

I often have a fantastic idea for a new book when I’m halfway through writing the current one – how do you keep yourself motivated to continue when that happens?

How long should a writing session be? Is longer better or does productivity go down the more you keep at it?

I use the Stephen King method of writing - try to get to 6 solid pages of work every day. Do you have a method or structure you use?

Can writing groups and/or courses become their own form of procrastination?

Have you ever collaborated on a story? Was it difficult to mesh your style with someone else’s?

Any tips on managing the admin of writing a book, for example, the marketing or research needed alongside the writing?

How do I overcome a writing block? Do I keep the same routine to change it?

What is your weirdest idea for a book that you have yet to write?

Right now, I’m writing about someone overcoming depression and it mirrors my own journey in mental health. How do you connect your emotions to your story?

[blueboxesandtrafficcones]

Fall Festival

So, nonny, as promised, I took another stab at #76, and am reasonably more pleased with how this turned out.  Hope you enjoy!

(First attempt)

AO3

As it contains a fall festival, I’m tagging @doctorroseprompts.  Borrowed the ghost peen from @jeeno2.

NSFW because, well, Jack is Jack.

Prompt #76 - Please put your penis away.

Hand in hand, Rose and the Doctor strolled through the marketplace, taking in the sights as the autumnal-themed day festival transformed into a spooky Halloween extravaganza as the sun set.

“So, what next?”  The Doctor asked, just as Rose took a large bite from her candy apple.

“Um…”  She chewed thoughtfully, not willing to drop his hand to pull out the schedule.  “That way, maybe?  Towards the maze?”

“All right.”  He gently tugged her along, swinging their hands between them.

“Are you sure you don’t want any?  ‘S really good.”  Rose enthused, holding the stick out towards him.  The Doctor stared at it for a few moments, eyes flickering between it and her mouth, before shaking his head.

“Nah, I’m good.  You enjoy.  Want to go through the maze?”  He offered instead, and her grin was the only answer he needed.

-

Twenty minutes later, Rose was still giggling, but definitely holding tighter to his hand than she had been before.  They’d long since left the noise of the crowds, and were wandering progressively deeper into the darkness.

Rose was just about to suggest they turn back when the Doctor froze, listening intently.

“What?”  She whispered, and he looked down at her.

“Heard something, not sure what.  Want to check it out?”

She kept her eyes wide and innocent.  “There could be trouble.”

“I think we could handle it, me and you.”  He told her, and she let her grin shine through.

“Oh, that wasn’t an argument – that was agreement!”  Laughing, she hurried forward, pulling him behind her.

As they got closer to the sounds, however, they quieted, trying to be sneaky in case there really was trouble.

Coming to a clearing, the Doctor stopped them just out of sight, and offered her another out.

“We can always turn back, if it’s too much.”

“Please, it’s like you said – we can handle anything.”  Her confident grin was a bit too forced, but she seemed relaxed enough that he accepted her words at face value.

“Right, on three.”  He told her, and she nodded.

He counted them down, before they stepped around the corner, his left hand in her right, his other holding the sonic in front of them, ready to protect her.

-

They froze, unable to believe what they were seeing.  Thirty young, goodlooking Idragians were bowing before a figure on a dais.

Just as they walked up, the torches on either side of the figure were lit on fire, to illuminate-

“Oh, what’s he doing here?” The Doctor muttered to Rose, annoyed. She merely shrugged, too busy getting a good look at the Captain, standing in all his glory before the Idragians with no modesty or shame.

“Dunno.  Why’s he naked?”

As though hearing the question, Jack turned slightly to see them.  Quickly stepping off the dais with a murmur to one of the sentries, he came over to them.

“Hey!  How’s the party been for you?”  He greeted them, and Rose beamed while the Doctor rolled his eyes.

“Not as good as yours, apparently.  Jack, why are you naked?”  Rose wanted to know, blushing lightly.

“Oh, you know.”  He gestured vaguely.  “This sort of thing happens sometimes.  And, technically, I’m not naked.”  He pointed down at what Rose could now see was a white handerchief draped over his bits, with three small black dots on it.

“Oh, right.”  She agreed facetiously.  “Why’re there the dots?”

“Glad you asked, Rosie. It’s a ghost – the spirit of Halloween. See, for some reason they think I’m the embodiment of the local god of the dead, and I had to go along with it.  We were just about to start the worship service.”

“The worship service?”

“Yeah.  See, they believe that the essence of Idra, the god I mentioned, contains the secret to immortal life.  So if they partake in the essence, they’ll have long healthy lives.” Jack explained, his ghost ‘friend’ bobbing as if in agreement every time he moved.  Rose couldn’t help but notice the ghost had, uh, stood taller since they’d been talking.

“And by ‘essence’ you mean-” Rose started to ask, but the Doctor interrupted.

“Well, we’ll leave you to it.  Have a good time.  Rose, let’s go.”  Tugging gently on her arm, he started marching back towards the front of the maze and the rest of the festival.

Just before they left the clearing, the Doctor turned back.

“Jack?”

“Yeah?”

“Before you get back to the TARDIS, do something for me?”

“Anything.”  The Captain promised with a salacious wink.

“Please put your penis away.”  With that, he led Rose away, ignoring the laughter that followed them.

[agnesgoesadventuring-blog]

This is an email I received from someone who wishes to remain anonymous (I’m assuming it’s from the person who asked me for my email address). It’s in regards to the message I answered a couple of weeks or so ago about why the “magic!cock” trope and stories where a character magically changes their genitals for sex are harmful for and hurtful to trans people.

I’m posting most of it under a Read More just because, with the email and my response, it’s very long. I tagged this as "Critical Role” and “vaxleth” because the sender asked me in earnest to do so.

Your post about the why things like the magic!cock trope are harmful made me cry. I'm a trans man, so seeing someone saying everything I was thinking meant so much to me.

I hope you tag this in the Critical Role and Vaxleth tags. I understand why you might not want to, because people can be pretty nasty when they feel like something they enjoy is being attacked. But even though I'm not brave enough to say this on my on tumblr under my own name, I would really appreciate my voice, as a trans man, being heard on this.

I've been in a few different fandoms, and I've seen the magic!cock and girl!peen tropes a lot. It happened so much in the Glee fandom that it was like its own subgenre. I've always been so uncomfortable with them. Seeing them hurt a lot. I can't afford hormone therapy. I'm probably never going to be able to afford to transition, and that means I'm one of those people who is never going to have the body that I feel like I'm supposed to have. Stories where women are magically given penises during sex and then magically go back to being "normal" after hurts me in so many ways. The trope treats the body I know I'm supposed to have as some kind of a fetish, and that after sex that identity has to disappear to go back to being a "normal" woman. It's like being told that my identity is only useful or good enough for sex, for some kink, like wanting a penis is just about sex and that's I'm just supposed to be a woman outside of that.

I saw trans women hurt by it too. I knew that they felt like the bodies they had were being fetishized and like the fics treated them like they weren't real women because they couldn't just go back to being "normal" at the end, but I could never understand how they really felt until I saw the reverse of the trope in the Vaxleth fandom.

I'd never seen the opposite of the magic!cock trope until the Vaxleth fandom. So far I've seen one story where Keyleth uses her magic to give Vax a vagina and one story where Vax gets cursed and is given breasts. (I know, some people are going to say "oh, it's just two stories", but that's still two stories too many and it's not like there are a ton of Vaxleth fics). It kind of blindsided me to see these fics and they effected me in a completely different way than magic!cock fics. It hurt me way worse, and that was something I didn't think was possible.

I felt like I was being fetishized in a completely different way. They took a body like the one I'm supposed to have, changed it into a body that resembled the body I do have but don't belong in for the sole purpose of getting off, and then changed it back to being "normal" at the end. It was like the body I do have was being taken out for a spin and then tossed aside once the person using it got off, so they could go back to being a "real" man, like unless you have the kind of body I know I'm supposed to have but will never be able to have I don't get to be a "normal" man. Like, as a man, the body I have is only good for sex, and not good enough to actually be a man.

These stories are basically "she's a real girl but she magically gets a penis for sexy fun" or "he's a real man but he magically gets a vagina for sexy fun" and that there are so many people who don't see why that would be so hurtful to trans people makes it hurt even more.

I don't know if that really explains it well because I'm trying to put words to feelings I have about the way ideas about trans people that I've had to deal with for so long are being put into fics and I don't know if I can do that and be understandable. And I know I'm not saying everything because I can't even put everything to word. Like, there are some cisnormative things about about magic!vagina and heteronormative things about magic!cock that I feel like I can't really articulate well because of how overwhelming my feelings about this whole things are.

I'm also bi, so I'm really bothered by the fic where Vax is given a vagina because in a way it equates being bisexual but having a preference for a certain kind of sex with gender dysphoria. I've experienced both of those things and they are not even close to being a same. And as a bi person I feel like stories that change the sex organs during sex is sort of invalidating, too. Because there's so much erasure of bisexuality with things like "you're really just gay" or "you're really just straight".

I've heard all the defenses. That it's just like some kind of "enhanced" sex toy, that it's because cis queer women want to explore what it would be like to be able to feel their partner in that way, that nonbinary people want to explore the idea of their bodies being different, but none of that changes the fact that it's fetishizing trans people's bodies, treating us like our bodies or identities aren't good or normal enough. And then of course there are always people who say that we're "kinkshaming", without realizing that by saying that they're pretty much admitting to turning our bodies and identities into kinks.

Just because you benefit from something (like exploring sexual ideas like things mentioned above) doesn't mean it doesn't hurt people, and if something is hurting people then maybe it's a good idea to find another way to explore those ideas. Because there are other ways. There are always other ways. This is representation that harms trans people, and if you don't care or you're putting the things that you want above harm being done to other people, then you're an asshole. I know people are always going to say that anyone who has a problem with any kind of fic is "policing" or "kinkshaming" because they think that fic isn't "nice enough" or is "too dirty" or "weird" or "not polite" or whatever, but those are just easy covers for "I don't care about people whose experiences are different from mine and I'm going to keep doing what I want because I don't care if it hurts other people." And just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you should. It's not okay to get off on the backs of other people, and it's not okay to explore your own sexual and gender stuff on the backs of other people, either.

In the Vaxleth fandom we've had both of these things now. Magic!Cock (because I guess Marisha said something about Keyleth using her magic for that at a con or something) and magic!vagina and other magical alterations to give a man breasts (the fics) so I guess it's kind of unique to have both and that means that more vulnerable people are going to be hurt. Can we please at least acknowledge how hurtful these things can be to trans people and how transphobic the tropes are? Can we at least do that much? I mean, it would be nice if people would just stop using our bodies and identities to get off, or stop using our bodies and identities to explore their own stuff. But if that's not going to happen, can we at least admit how hurtful this is? My body and my identity are not fantasies for you to do what you want with. The bodies and identities of other trans people are not yours to do what you want with. What you want to imagine and explore was a very real dysphoric nightmare for us. It hurts us. If you're not going to stop, at least acknowledge that so that you can maybe try to take more care in writing these fics or look for ways to explore these things that aren't so hurtful to trans people. I do feel like there are possible ways that these things can be explored that don't actively harm trans people. But I have yet to see them because most of the time people don't care about whether or not they're harming trans people.

I’m so glad you sent this. When I responded to the last message (which was also sent by a trans person), I was having a hard time, because I was repeating what I’d heard from trans people, as I’m not trans myself. And even though I was repeating what had been said to me rather than inserting my own interpretations and such, I still worried that it was too much like I was speaking for trans people. So I’m very happy to have other trans people share their experiences and feelings on this matter.

Too often people use other people and their experiences/identities/and so on to explore their own personal stuff, or even to just, as you say, get off, and then when the people who are being exploited for these things say something like “hey, this hurts us” or “these stories are perpetuating tropes that are harmful to us”, people go on the defensive and start accusing people of “policing” or “kinkshaming”, casting themselves as the victim and the people who are being exploited and even oppressed as the villain. Instead of taking a step back and considering what people are saying, they prioritize their wants. 

Nobody has the right to hurt other people just because the thing they’re doing that causes that hurt is beneficial to them, or enjoyable to them. It’s not kinkshaming or policing when someone tells you “this thing you’re doing is hurting me” or “this thing you’re doing is hurting these people”. 

It’s not kinkshaming or fandom policing to tell someone they’re doing something wrong.

I’ll just never be able to understand the way some people are just so willing to dismiss people who are suffering or marginalized just so that they don’t have to stop doing something they like, or just so that they don’t have to change the way they do things.

We need to listen to people when they tell us we’re doing something that harms them, especially if it’s coming from people who are already marginalized or oppressed. And we need to really think about the things we do and whether or not there’s a way to do those things without hurting these people. When it comes to fandom, so many people are so focused on their fandom experience, and what fandom can do for them, but they often don’t think enough about the fandom experience of others and how certain things that are common in or that happen in fandom impact them. While every fandom is very different, the one thing they all have in common is that they’re a community. Communities are supposed to take care of each other. Communities don’t work when people just take what they want without caring about anyone else.

[ma-at-thought]

Idk if you're the one to ask of know someone who can answer but... what are your thoughts on bi-gender or gender fluid individuals (esp biologically female) who write m/m smut or erp gay characters? Is that okay for them to do? I've never seen anyone talk about it when they talk about people fetishizing m/m relationships and I'm very curious if they count or not

Well, Anon, I don’t know if I’m the right person to ask, but I’m a person to ask. And answers will probably vary based on who you ask. If any of the folks who follow me have things to add to what I’m going to say, please do so, but please be polite about it.

First, looking at smut that exists purely for smut. No real plot or much character development, just hot word-porn. Let’s face it. Smut is fun to write. And it’s fun to read. A number of authors (frequently in the supernatural romance category) will have steamy sex scenes that are gay, bi, or unspecified varieties of three- (or more) somes. And a lot of these authors are female, regardless of what pen name they go under. I’m not just talking fan-fiction here; this stuff is published for e-readers and in actual book form through publishing houses. Some of it is pretty darn good, and some of it seems very fetishizing. One of the things that makes the difference is research. Anatomy is important (with a certain amount of leeway for fantasy creatures and settings), and writing that sort of thing in properly can go a long way toward making it about smut instead of about fetishizing the gender identities and sexualities involved. Another thing is having some good foreplay in there, because it lets you focus on things beyond the genitals. If the sole focus just seems to be on the peen and attached dangly-bits, that’s going to seem fetishized to people. Explore the sex beyond the obvious to avoid that.

Second, looking at romance writing. This is usually actual stories with overarching plots unrelated to sex, but steamy love scenes play a big part. Again, pay attention to the non-obvious sexy parts and reasonably accurate anatomy research to convey sensations and such. But this is beyond smut; you’ve got characters getting involved here, and their lives are intertwining, even if it’s just for the duration of the story. Ships passing in the night, and all that. They’ve got emotions, needs, desires, and pasts; you’ve got to keep these sorts of things in mind, especially with little behaviors and conversation. Some of it is about avoiding stereotypes. But stereotypes can exist for a reason. I’ve got a friend who would merrily respond to the title ‘Gloriously Bearded Prince Of The Faeries’ and I’m sometimes surprised that he doesn’t sneeze rainbows and glitter while doing jazz-hands. And honestly, having one of the characters be flamboyantly super-gay is alright. You just need to make sure that not ALL of the gay men in your story are like that. And if every single man encountered in the course of the story is a shockingly-hunky gay man, that can seem fetishizing too, because it excludes variety and is hyper-focused on The Gay. I don’t mean that there should only be two of The Gays and that they must have The Sex; it’s good to have some other characters in the story that happen to be gay (or bi) and also happen to not be interested in sex with the main character(s). Some variety in your cast of characters goes a long way to avoiding fetishization, and honestly will make your story a little more appealing to a broader audience.

Third, regarding ERP. Again, the issues mentioned above regarding researching some accurate anatomy and not having all the sexual focus being on the genitals apply, but it’s not the technique of the writing that’s bothering you, I think. It’s whether or not it’s “okay” for someone biologically female to write gay characters...

Personally? I say go for it. This is your character, and the only other people involved with this will be your RP partner(s). Now, I don’t understand much about being bi-gendered or gender-fluid, but to me, the gender identity of my RP partners doesn’t matter at all. (Unless stuff starts bleeding into OOC, but that’s a whole different issue and should raise some red flags.) What matters is how accurately you portray the gender and sex of your character. And it is your character. Presumably, he has a back-story, a history, preferences of his own, goals and desires. Those don’t have to relate to your naughty-bits, your genetics, your preferences, or your identity. I myself have role-played or written sex-related stories involving lesbians, gays, bisexuals, demisexuals, pansexuals, paired up with whatever happens to appeal to them, and needless to say, I am not OOCly all of those things. Erotic Role Play is a progression of character stories; yes, it’s smut, but it’s also potentially a turning point in a relationship, or an opportunity for awkwardness, or the delicious angst of calling a lover by the wrong name. It is part of a larger story, and as long as you’ve taken some steps to avoid the things that can seem extremely fetishizing and you and your RP partner(s) are comfortable with whatever real life information you choose to disclose, I don’t see an issue here. When it comes to RPing, the key words are Respect and Communication, and if you keep track of both of those things, you play your character how you want.

Now... there will always be people who think this is wrong. There always are, and there probably have been since cave-man days erotica. Some folks will get upset that you’re role-playing or writing something that you aren’t. I always found that odd, because it’s fiction. Part of the fun of writing is diving into a world of Not Reality. Some people might get upset because of how you’re portraying a specific thing. And if they bring up this protest politely, it never hurts to politely ask in return what they feel is off about it, or what they saw as fetishizing. You can think of it like a peer review. And note that the key word here is “politely”; if someone just goes off on you out of the blue, it’s not likely that you’ll get a polite and educational conversation out of it. 

This may have been way more information than you were looking for, Anon, but I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to ask me and believe that my views on the topic would be helpful to you. I hope they were, and I hope that any comments from others can be helpful as well, to broaden on what I’ve mentioned. Again, this is my personal opinion, and you’ll probably find a wide variety of those; take the polite advice and offers for conversation about it. Everything is a work in progress. ^_^

[gleeandshame]

Love Victor 2x01 Semi-liveblogging

Okay I have feelings and no irl friends who watch so, spoilers under the cut

I said in a separate post already but Justice for Mia (just love and support and happiness, i don't want victor with her obvi)

Infidelity is a storyline I dislike, so you know.

We Love Pilar ( I don't think anyone did this for me )

Decide It (Yike)

It always pains me when there's the surprise actually this person is more homophobic and not chill

I mean it's not unrealistic but...

that queer trama, yo

I mean, arm pat is pretty good...

My parents said awkward stuff about my gay cuz when I came out, just that well, we already had to accept him :V

Victor, Mia is Using Her Phone, although she probably doesn't want to talk to you, so fair I guess

Gay Smiling at your BF, I'm weak

Mia being away for summer camp does make me feel better about the Four of Them being a group without her. Though I'm sure later it's big awks

Hos before Homos Is a Little Yikes. Unless you wanna come out Lake. Still a little Yikes but

what's pollo guisado, can i have some

Ah, a Puerto Rican chicken stew... I would like some. Now I feel like I should check out more restaurants

the only Latin food we have usually is Mexican and Southwest, Mexican American...

NO, I hope he did not invite everyone tonight already...

You Need advanced notice

Oh wait, what did they tell the child?

I do not remember his name it's been over a year I think. Okay it was one Year, But I think Pandemic Memory we can give a pass

Oh I need to pause, I'm attracted to Mia's step mom. I mean who isn't

"We packed out bunks early so we decided to drive home today" she delivered this so cute and awkward, I"m. I love Mia and her actress

It's not fine Mia, the sadness, the feeling of being replaced, I'm

Mmmm, I don't think Jumanji is problematic, it was actual quite fun, but then again maybe ppl just have issues with bodyswap in general then.......

Also yes I first thought of the Robin William's OG one

PS5 or a Puppy? Also did they say the boy's name yet... don't think so.

I think screenwriters should throw a bone to ppl at least first couple eps back

Benji a shorty. Haha.

Yes I've always been the shorter one in a "couple" shut up (I put quotes since I've not officially officially dated anyone)

I feel like she's gonna make it too spicy... I hope that's just it.

NO, Ms. Salazar you Are Unreasonable, you are not gonna waste all that hard work and good food. I'm Feral!

I'm also maybe hungry but

The close of the lid because that garbage closes too slowly naturally. Dramatic. Realistic. Actually real issue filming probably.

Lake, I've got to quickly take this call. Outside. Away from here.

LOLOLOL

they dropped queens before peens in the trailer so, I didn't laugh, would I.... I can't say! I just don't have the context

Humor is all about unexpected for me, and timing so like

Lake, you should have ditched them... well... idk. You know

I Love Chips - good effort Benji

This is Painful, do I have to watch these children try to Hype Benji while Isabel(?) Ms. mom avoids it, I...

Acid Reflux, You gonna say that to a boy who lightly grasped your sons arm? Hate This

Oh my gosh that Heather the Turtle, I already miss you half the time, line was tragic

Dang Mijo. Yes, My child because I am to scared to look up his name for fear of spoilers.

oh Adrian, literally right after I unpaused.

I am very slow at watching shows when I liveblog

Is it Andrew? Yeah. Ah. He got a gf... remember that from the trailer now.

I hope Mia finds herself

I'm scared for when I finally bring someone around my family :')

Which i mean..... Idk. It's hard okay! I'm not gonna get into it right now

Oh the Adrian question answered. Yeah sounds like a homophobic mom move

I haven't told any of my younger relatives... well.. haven't really told any extended fam either so

I don't think Victor is pissed off. I think he's sad

Benji. I know you mean well but it can't just be You and Your Boy and no one else matters, wish it were so easy

if mia walks away without saying hey, I'm gonna scream, altho it's first ep, so she probably will

She feels so out of everything, and I hate that :(

what is this male indie cover of mmmwatcha say. I know i can't think of the title. Hide and Seek.

I'm sad

No you did not just drive two hours for nothing. Your shrimp lo mein is so cold now, and for what :(((

It's fair tho, I'm just sad

AOC bobble? I"m dying. Lol.

Is there a summer rush? I guess they're not a college town, so perhaps there is

Felix's mom needs the money I know it :(

Proud of you Victor

Good ep back, But Please Good Things for Mia soon?